Don’t ask me how much my kids cost. Just don’t.
My kids…just being kids.
Don’t ask me how much my kids cost. Here is why.
“How much did that set you back?”
“That” was my chubby 2- year-old nestled in my arms as I stood in front of a community bonfire. It was 2012 and we’d been home with our newly-adopted son for about three months. It was a bit late for my little guy to be up, but my husband and I had decided to pop out of the new parent bubble for some fresh air and socializing.
One of first outings with Z. I miss this chubby baby face.
It was early November. We’d adopted our son from China three months earlier. We’d stuck pretty close to home as we settled in to our new role as parents (see also: learned how to survive on very little sleep.)
Other than our small circle of close friends and neighbors, we’d kept our new son’s world pretty small, and this was the first time we’d taken him out and mingled among a large group of strangers.
We’re just trying to live our best life and stuff, OK?
Our sweet little boy from China is Chinese (duh.) My super white husband and I are… well, not Chinese (again, duh.) Our community is very white, and we now stood out.
Editors note: We’ve since moved to a more racially diverse area. This post tells a story of a conversation that happened in 2012.
When we decided on international adoption, we knew there would be weird, nosy questions. We knew not everyone in our circles would understand our decision to add a Chinese child to our family. I thought I was prepared to handle weird, nosy questions. I’d be cool and collected. Friendly but firm if someone crossed the boundaries of what was appropriate.
“How much did that set you back?”
I didn’t know the man who asked this question. He lived in our neighborhood and I knew him well enough to wave if we passed each other on the street.
I’d heard of the “how much did your kid cost” question. I knew that if someone said that to me, I’d give them a much-deserved verbal ass-kicking for asking such a horribly inappropriate question and make sure they knew they were an ignorant cretin for asking such a horribly inappropriate question. I’m not a soft-spoken, shrinking-violet kind of girl. You step out of line with me and I’ll call you out, usually before I’ve had a chance to thoughtfully consider the best thing to say. That’s part of my charm. Ahem.
But I said nothing.
The verbal ass-kicking stuck in my throat. I couldn’t find my words.
I stammered something — I don’t remember what — and excused myself. I moved away and tried to forget the question. I tried not to beat myself up for not responding the way I wanted to. I looked down at the child in my arms, taking in the unfamiliar sights and sounds with contented interest. I tried not to feel like I failed him by not speaking up.
Asking “how much did your kid cost” is the worst question you can ask an adopted parent. It turns the child into a commodity. An object. An item for sale. Children are none of those things.
Z at age 8, trying his hand at woodworking.
Yes, there are costs and fees associated with adoptions, especially international adoption. There are adoption agency fees, government fees (both sides), social worker fees, legal fees, processing fees, travel fees. The fees made my head spin, caused some lost sleep and maybe an ulcer.
But adoption is not buying a child.
Asking how much a child costs degrades the child, the parents and the entire adoption process.
And really? Why are you asking? Do you ask the mom of a newborn about her medical bills? Do you admire the new baby, congratulate the proud parents and then inquire about what insurance paid for and what was out-of-pocket? Of course you don’t.
Questions like “how much did that set you back” should be reserved for stuff you buy at the farmer’s market, like an organic avocado or a particularly nice-looking cantaloupe.
Each adoptive family will have varying degrees of sensitivity, openness and need for privacy. Adoption costs aren’t secret. If you really need to know, contact an adoption agency or an attorney. Or how about Google?
8th summer.
I’m not sure why the man at the bonfire asked me that question. Maybe he was just trying to make conversation. I don’t hold a grudge or wish him ill, but I’ve never forgotten how I felt the moment “how much did that set you back” rolled out of his mouth. I am glad my son was only two and that I didn’t have to explain the question to him after the fact.
If you’re reading this and thinking I’m over-sensitive, I’m talking to you. If you’ve ever asked someone “how much did he/she cost” or “how much did that set you back,” I’m talking to you. It’s a rude effing question.
Don’t.
I’m not sensitive, but I don’t think it’s asking too much to request the “but I’m just curious’” to exercise a little sensitivity when it comes to adoption questions.
Oh Lord….I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but seriously! What an awful thing to say!
It really does still sting. I also know he was just clueless and not mean. That helped me to not stab him.
A rude effing question indeed. I’m sorry. I know first hand that people ask the meanest questions, sometimes even nice people. I’m not sure why or how they justify it but I know the feeling of the stuck words and it’s the worst feeling. Hugs or high fives for not stabbing him though.
I. Just. Can’t. What is wrong with people? You have a beautiful son. You are blessed to have been put together as a family. There is no price on that. <3
Hi,congratulations on your new child!
I’m also adopted and don’t quite match my family on looks.
When I was in school the other kids pointed that out ALL the time. (bullying 101) Have you & your husband discussed how your going to talk to your son about this issue when it comes up? I’d like to hear if you plan on handling it differently than my folks did. Thanks!
Adorable boy BTW!!
He’s nine now. I probably need to go back in and do an edit to make sure newer readers understand that this was a conversation that took place about seven years ago.
I’m curious about how your parents handled this issue. You say you hope I handle it differently but you leave out how your parents handled it.
Since we have another Asian child in our family, I think it helps that there is someone in our family that looks like him. We also have darker skinned people in our extended family so I don’t think there’s that sense of not belonging as there might be with one person who looks dramatically different than everyone else. We haven’t had anyone comment on the “You look different than your family” at least not in a mean way. We also look for opportunities to interact with families that look like our family.
Both of my kids seem to want to get in front of the adoption questions. I’ve observed them talking very openly about their adoptions early on when they meet people. They’re pretty matter of fact about it but they seem to want to be in control of the questions.
Hello Jill,
I didn’t realize the article was from a years back, so I agree that a minor edit may be suitable.
My parents also adopted another child from the same area so we matched each other. We knew we were adopted and it was an open conversation in our family. They taught us the ‘sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you’ for the teasing and bullying. They were wrong, names hurt, and they hurt very deeply, and that carries into adulthood, often leading to adoption trauma issues.
We are from a large city and went to international private school, however it was in junior high that the horror began. Despite being in a private school environment the kids were downright mean. Junior high kids are jerks whether it’s public or private school–they find any reason to tease and bully kids. During the summers of the junior high school years we were with neighboring kids at camps and they were just as mean–and all these kids parents were friends with our parents. We would tell our parents and were met with the response I mentioned above.
I highly suggest that you and your husband get ahead of this. One way is to find the Asian Adoption support groups for the children and start taking them to them, no matter how far away the meetings/groups are (if I read correctly you are in a smaller area) so the kids can learn from other Asian kids how to handled the upcoming situations, because they WILL happen. The poor approach our parents took caused us to resent our parents for adopting us, which led to further issues.
Now that we are adults we can talk about this and look back and see what could have been done differently. Our AP’s know they can not change the past, but we all share with other adopting families the issues we faced and solutions that are available.
Another thing, taste buds, genetically my sibling and I have different taste buds than our AP’s, but while children we were to eat what they ate. We hated that food, it was yucky, but as obedient children we ate it anyway. We like spicy foods and our AP’s like very bland foods.
I suggest (if you haven’t already) that you and your husband dive into their culture and expose them to what they would be naturally exposed to if they were to have been raised in China. Not just the food, and basic culture, but also learn about the holidays and what they mean, etc. On Chinese holidays, celebrate them. Learn the handwriting & language. When the kids meet other Chinese children that are not adopted, if they do not know a lot about their natural/genetic culture they are at risk of being rejected by those potential friends. By adding their natural culture into the family, you are creating as much as possible to set them up for acceptance from those kids.
Have you and your husband joined the group for Parents of Adopted Asian Children for additional ideas and support? They will have extensive resources and ideas for your family.
BTW-The picture of the 8th summer is SO ADORABLE–I can’t wait until my new little one looses his first tooth 🙂
Chelsea
Thank you for your thoughtful response and insight. I got the same advice from my parents when I was picked on as a child. Fourth grade through seventh grade were horrible for me. I’m not adopted and I won’t go down the rabbit hole of why I was picked on but it wasn’t a happy time in my life. The sticks and stones rote is dismissive and definitely does not make a child feel heard. I think the concept of a child’s pain and grief being listened to and validated is something that’s come to be more important to this generation of parents…and I’m not saying that to criticize my own upbringing or to say that I’m a better parent than my parents…but I still wince when I think of those times past. They were a long time ago and I still remember them.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness and advice. I know this post is circulating in some of the adoptee/birth mother circles and your kindness and genuineness is very touching. We do quite a bit to keep the element of Asian culture in our kids’ lives and my kids are very proud of their holidays. We have ties to both adoptive family groups and Asian culture groups and I hope my kids keep their enthusiasm for it.
And YES to the taste buds. We’ve actually adapted the way we eat because of our kids’ taste buds. I’m pretty lucky that they’re not super picky but they do love their spicy noodles more than anything.
Why are you further damaging your child by living in an all white community? Dont you ever read anything by adoptees, especially intl adoptees from china? Get out of what makes YOU uncomfortable and start thinking about him
We lived in a predominantly white community at the time because we’re a military family and didn’t have a choice then. When we were able to choose where we lived, diversity was a huge consideration and we live in a more racially balanced area now but nice job assuming. Yes, I do read things written by adoptees. Just because I addressed a moment that made me uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m unaware of what does or could make my child uncomfortable. He was two when this comment was made, Deb. He is nine now. I’m certain that those words would bother him.
While I appreciate and welcome new readers, your tone and your quickness to judge are making me think you’re trolling me and I don’t put up with trolls. Let me know if I need to direct you to the underside of the nearest bridge.
Obviously, the man who asked that question wasn’t thinking clearly. Likely trying to start a conversation and likely not an adoptive parent. I can also tell from this post that you have no idea what an adoptee feels like.
What I sense subtly through your words is that these children were adopted (bought) to meet your needs. Fill your void. Soothe your possible grief of infertility (I realize that may not be the case) but as an adoptee it seems clear this has been all about you “living your best life”. Trust me, you likely don’t see it, but you do not understand them. Anymore than that man understood you.
Um. Newsflash Judith: It is never OK to start a conversation with “how much did your kid cost?” regardless of whether you’re an adoptive parent or a parent at all. How would you know whether this person was “not thinking clearly?” You don’t. I do, however, believe YOU were thinking clearly when you decided to intentionally sub the word “bought” for adoption in your comment on this blog.
Unlike the guy in my post who was just thoughtless, you are intentionally cruel and mean. You’re a troll and you probably think it’s OK to come here and leave a comment like that because “it’s the internet” and you think you’re entitled to come into this space and point fingers and assume. Shame on you.
You “sense subtly” and discuss my “grief from infertility” that you’re not really sure about but went ahead and mentioned anyway (you’re wrong, by the way)…just no. You’re full of hooey, that’s what.