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Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it’s complicated.

August 12, 2020 by Jill 3 Comments

Gotcha day is the day our two adopted kids became our kids. It’s not the “official adoption day” because that gets a little bit muddy. We could celebrate the day that China recognized our kids’ adoption or we could celebrate the day that the United States Consulate recognized our kids’ adoptions or we could celebrate the day our kids became – officially – United States Citizens or we could celebrate the day the state of Texas recognized our adoptions. See? Complicated.

Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it’s complicated.

We celebrate #GotchaDay but its complicated. #Adoption

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To say our adoptions were complicated is a massive understatement. They’re complicated like make your head spin need a flow chart complicated. But yes, we celebrate. And, if you think celebrate is the wrong word, I get where you’re coming from but it’s the word we’re going to use for now because it suits our family.

New around here? Read our family’s adoption story.

We celebrate the day we met our adopted children. Our adoption agency referred to that day as “Gotcha Day” AKA, the day I got you. The China adoption experience is surreal. You prepare, you plan, you paperwork. And then on the designated day, you meet your child and that child goes home with you…home being your hotel room in your child’s home province. The next day, you appear in court and finish (most of) the paperwork.

Yes we celebrate Gotcha Day but it's complicated

This was me with my son Kyle about an hour after we met.

I like to say a China mom’s paperwork is never done because…well, mostly because it is never done.

But, Gotcha Day is Gotcha Day. It’s our day to celebrate the anniversary of a child becoming…well, our child.

You might also enjoy: A roundup of my favorite adoption memes

We’ve adopted from China twice, so we have two gotcha days: August 11th and August 27th. No matter where in this world I go and no matter how old I get to be, I will always take a pause on those days and remember the significance of a child becoming our child.

We do a pretty mild celebration. Each year we’ve done things a little bit differently. Sometimes we get a cake from the bakery or go out to eat at a restaurant. Gotcha Days that have fallen on holidays have sometimes been paired up with a family outing. A few years ago, we were at Volcano Bay, Universal Studios Orlando’s very cool water park for Kyle’s gotcha day…try explaining to a seven-year-old that this was kind of a happy coincidence and not to expect quite that level of celebration each year. 

 

Happy adoption day to this amazing kid! I can’t believe it’s been five whole years since we met that scared little boy in China. We’ve had some rough roads but some amazing moments, too. . . You are smart, tenacious, witty and loving. I’m lucky to be your mom. Happy Kyle Day! . . . . #chinaadoption #adoptionday #adoptionrocks #gotchaday #adoption #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #rippedjeansandbifocals

A post shared by Jill Robbins (@rippedjeansandbifocals) on Aug 11, 2018 at 10:28am PDT

Since our kids’ days fall during the summer, they sometimes coincide with other things we’re doing and we kind of add on to that. Last year, Zack’s day coincided with our trip to the Little League World Series, which was a once in a lifetime thing for us. Or maybe not. Maybe we’ll go back one day. But, we try to be clear that extra special things we might be doing are just coincidence and they’re getting old enough to understand that.

Two adopted kids at Little League World Series

In 2019, our trip to the Little League World Series coincided with Zack’s adoption day. Happy coincidence!

We use the day to talk about adoption in whatever way our kids want to talk about it, although adoption is a frequent topic of conversation at our house just about any time. Sometimes, we look at pictures of our two trips to China or look at their adoption videos we made. Sometimes, my kids ask questions about their birth parents or their caregivers before us. That’s frustrating for us because we know very little and our lack of answers are starting to prove frustrating for our kids. It’s the cards we drew and we’re muddling through that one as best we can.

Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it's complicated.

My kids have two separate mini celebrations and we let them pick how they want to celebrate, or if they do.

I completely get that there are people out there who think celebrating Gotcha Day is wrong or that the term Gotcha Day is offensive.

Karen Moline is an adoptive mom and author of a book titled Get Rid of Gotcha. I have not read the book but it was quoted by Huffington Post as saying this:

“‘Gotcha’ is my typical response when I’ve squashed a bug, caught a ball just before it would have rolled under the sofa, or managed to reach a roll of toilet paper on the top shelf at the store. It’s a silly, slangy word…I find the use of ‘gotcha’ to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered (‘C’mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!’) it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life… ‘“

While I’m not interested in going around and around about semantics with Moline or anyone else, her description doesn’t apply to how I use the term “gotcha” or “I got you.” It’s not even in the same galaxy with my feelings on what it was like to meet my children for the first time and to know that from that day on, I was their mom.

Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it's complicated.

My boys make me incredibly happy – most of the time. As long as they want to celebrate being in our family, I’m here for it. If/when they don’t, we won’t. It’s really pretty simple.

We don’t refer to “gotcha day” as such, by the way, although I don’t find the term to be offensive. We call our little celebratory days “Kyle Day” and “Zack Day” and my kids love their special day. If ever they don’t, we certainly won’t force it upon them. It will be a day that I’ll never forget but if their feelings of loss, hurt or abandonment overshadow the day where we have cupcakes and maybe give the kid of the day a little bit of extra special treatment then we’ll pivot. It’s not that hard to get your mind around, really. 

I’m not sure why we chose Kyle Day and Zack Day over Gotcha Day…we just fell into those terms and they stuck. I think it might have something to do with the fact that we have two Gotcha Days in the same month. We started off with Gotcha Day and just fell in to Kyle Day and Zack Day. August is typically a busy month for us and this just seems simpler. We like simple.

What anyone else thinks about what we call our celebrations or the fact that we celebrate? I don’t care.

While its easy to see Gotcha Day as a beginning, it is also an ending. My kids are happy to celebrate the day they entered our family and don’t seem to dwell on the loss that is at the root of adoption. I mean, think about it. Adoptive parents are overjoyed to receive their children that came to them by adoption but there is another side of the coin. A side where someone had to make a heartbreaking decision that she’ll always grieve over. We don’t think our celebrating adoption as minimizing the child’s loss or the birth parent’s loss, but I understand there are other people out there that feel it’s inappropriate to celebrate.

Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it's complicated.

I say they can make those decisions about what days to celebrate within their own families. For now, we celebrate.

Google “gotcha day offensive” and you’ll find dozens of articles criticizing the choice to celebrate adoptions as well as using the term gotcha. Some people seem to be okay with celebrations as long as the “G word” isn’t used and others seems to find any celebrations whatsoever to be inappropriate. Tweak your Google search just a little and look for “gotcha day celebration” and you’ll find printables, suggestions for how to through an epic party and gift ideas.

We’re doing us. Anything more lavish would feel wrong, be impractical and come on…it’s August and we’re over-scheduled anyway. Cake and maybe excusing a kid from a chore for a day feels right.

We are raising our kids as honestly as we can. We are not raising them to see their adoptions as tragedies nor are we presenting ourselves as saviors who made their lives better. We try to keep our lives as simple as possible but adoption is complicated sometimes.

Our kids love their little celebration days. If they one day decide they don’t, we’ll shift gears. If they grow to see their adoption days as something to mourn and not something to celebrate, we’ll stand by them and support them and love them as best we can. That’s about all any parent can do, right?

Yes we celebrate Gotcha Day but its complicated

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Seven things I learned about adoption during the first month home

Love is a Choice – An Adoption Story


3 Comments

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Comments

  1. Laura M says

    August 23, 2018 at 4:47 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and wanted to comment, finally. Happy Gotcha/Kyle/Zack/Happy Family Day! It doesn’t matter what it’s called; it’s so wonderful that you acknowledge the special days that mean so much to your family. That’s all that matters, so don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. It’s great!!

    Reply
  2. Melissa says

    August 26, 2018 at 8:11 pm

    I just found your blog and found so much clarity in your posts. Our daughter is adopted, from Hong Kong at 7 years of age, she’s now almost 11. You’re right, adoption is a minefield of happiness and grief and what’s right for one child may not be for the other and no one should judge. Our daughter grieves every day for the mother who left her as a baby and the abandonment has shaped her personality and life. We sometimes feel so awful that it was a loss that brought her to us but feel it’s really important to celebrate too, as she’s had little to celebrate prior to joining us. We mark the day she arrived in Australia, mainly because it was a leap forward for us all into our new family and also because she remembers it clearly. She calls it her anniversary. We keep it simple also, she doesn’t cope well with extravagance and it’s not our way. A cake, dinner out, or a movie together. What’s most important is that she feels loved and knows we won’t ever ask her to forget her tummy mummy who made the hardest choice of all.

    Reply
  3. JM says

    January 18, 2019 at 11:41 pm

    Pulease. Those people who are offended are just making a mountain out of a molehill. Gotcha can ALSO be in Celebration of receiving a great gift, and not just at hitting mosquitoes.

    And if you always think about the “loss” of the family giving up the adoptee, you’d never celebrate anything joyful with the adoptee!! How tragic and sad would that be?!?!!

    The original mother/family made their decision to give baby up. You made the decision to adopt baby. Life goes on. People should NOT be a party pooper and take away the joy the adoptee deserves during all of his/her celebrations in life. Happy Gotcha Day to adoptees!

    Reply

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All About Jill

I'm a digital content creator and essayist who copes with parenting and most other situations with humor and snark. Just so you know, if this weren't the internet, I'd be smiling awkwardly and answering simple questions like "How are you today" with gems like "I like pockets."

I really do love pockets, though.

I spent 26 years in the USAF, which went by really, really fast. I'm very proud of my service but I'm loving my second act even more. Writing gives me the opportunity to flex my creative muscles and that's what makes me happy. Welcome.

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rippedjeansandbifocals

Freelance Writer & Travel Expert
Producer, Listen to Your Mother SA
💜 Mom via birth & #adoption
🐈 Human to @remusthebengalcat
🇺🇸 USAF veteran
📍#texas

Jill Robbins
"Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of tru "Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of true education." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I saw a lot of posts about Martin Luther King yesterday when I was doing my scrolls through social media...on a day where I wasn't supposed to be ON social media, ahem. We hear and see a lot of Dr. King's words and quotes one day a year. So, instead of apologizing for posting this "a day late" I'll share that I'm challenging myself to remember some of these important words more than one day a year.

Our kids are watching us right now. I mean...they're always watching us but I think what they see in these times is more important than ever. Nuturing our kids' intelligence and character is more important than ever. My kids are 10 now - this picture is about four years old - and they are absorbing EVERYTHING we say, how we say it and even what we don't say. 

This mural is near the suspension bridge in downtown Waco. Waco is famous for all the Magnolia things but there's a lot there for families, too, and the park around the bridge is a great place to explore along the Brazos River. 

#martinlitherkingday #martinlutherkingquotes #wacotexas #wacoheartoftexas #wacohot #texastravel #texastodo #onlyintexas #texaskids #texasfamilies #alamocreatives #igtexasphoto 
#raisinggoodhumans #raisingboys
Here’s something you’ve probably never seen be Here’s something you’ve probably never seen before: my bottom teeth.
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I always hide my crooked bottom teeth in pictures and I’m super self-conscious when I talk. So I did something about it.
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I wore braces as a kid and my top teeth are straight but my bottom teeth are shifting and one tooth is traveling into the back of my mouth and I have some crowding. My orthodontist said it’s very unusual to put braces on just half your mouth but my bite is still aligned so they didn’t have to put them on my top teeth - my wallet is thankful.
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Questions I’ve already been asked:
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1️⃣ At your age? Yes, at my age. I still care about my smile. 
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3️⃣ How long do you have to wear them?
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6-9 months.
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3️⃣ Do they hurt? 
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My teeth are sore and my mouth is tender but not to the Tylenol level so I guess the answer is “Not too much.”
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Other questions? Advice?
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#braceface #adultbraces
Little things can really be big - do you agree? M Little things can really be big - do you agree?

My husband gets up with our kids twice a week and does their breakfast and morning routine and takes them to school so I can sleep in. I don't laze away the morning in bed - it usually amounts to about an extra hour of sleep for me and a little more peace and quiet as I start my day. 

This probably seems like a little thing but this is huge for me. The mental benefits of not having to set my alarm on a schoolday is truly my love language. I would rather have sleep than flowers or presents. 

On those morning where my husband takes my kids to school, I will inevitably find the kitchen not "just so." There will be spills on the table or something that didn't get put away. I resist the urge to be sarcastic or to ask "Um, is there a reason we have four boxes of cereal just sitting on the counter?" or point out that it would take less than 30 seconds to wipe a tabletop or put a box back on the shelf. I resist saying stuff like "I guess if I want it done a certain way, I have to do it myself." I don't even say that to myself. 

My husband isn't "doing me a favor" by taking care of our kids. When I talked about being stressed and tired during an argument last year, he offered to take some things off my plate and giving me two mornings where I don't have to set an alarm was one of his ideas. It's part of the give and take of marriage and even though it makes me clench a little when I see spilled milk or stuff that hasn't put away, I appreciate having a partner who shares the load with me. 

My marriage definitely is not perfect and I'm in no position to give relationship advice. But for us, this one little thing is a really big deal. 

And, as I've recently discovered, a cereal box can sit on the counter for several days and the world doesn't explode. Who knew.

#thisisus #thisismarriage #loveandmarriage #happywifehappylife #marriedlife #mancrusheveryday #texas #texasstyle #rippedjeansandbifocals #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #coparenting #parenting #momlifebelike #momlifeisthebestlife #ocd #ocdmomproblems #ocdmommy
Anyone else having massive “This time last year” moments?
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2020 started out so fine. We extended our kids’ winter break to take them on a Disney Cruise- no better reason than that, amiright- and I was excited about all the Disney Cruise blog posts I was going to write. Disney Cruises are (errr...were?) one of the most searched terms on my website and how a lot of people found me.
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Early 2020 was such a time of hope and light that pretty much everyone took for granted.
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While it’s become glaringly obvious the change in the calendar isn’t a magic potion, I still have hope for this year and still believe there magic yet to happen.
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You know...the good stuff.
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#believe #disneycruise #disneycruiseline #disneycruiselife #disneywonder #disneymagic #disneycreators #disneycreatordays #mondayxmhe #disneymagicmoments #nowmorethanever
We got our first Raddish Kids box right before the We got our first Raddish Kids box right before the holidays and finally dug into it this weekend. Our box had a cold-weather theme which was perfect for this cold weather we're having (flurries in San Antonio can you believe it?!)

Each box contains three recipe cards, a culinary tool, an iron-on patch and Table Talk conversation starter cards. A shopping list is included and also emailed to you in advance in case you want to be ready to cook as soon as your box arrives. You buy all the groceries yourself. 

We made homemade chicken and dumplings this weekend and they turned out amazing. If you need modifications (i.e. gluten or dairy free) you can hop on to the @raddishkids website and go to the "Bonus Bites" section. You'll find modifications, food videos, extra recipes, parent info and more fun stuff. 

The price ranges from $20-$24 per box depending on what type of subscription you choose. Boxes are designed for kids 4-14+ with varying degrees of supervision needed depending on your child's skills and age. Kyle and i have done two meals from this box - we still have cookies left to make - and worked together about 50-50. It was a lot of fun. 

To order yours, here's my affiliate link https://raddish-kids-monthly-delivery.sjv.io/edoAr or read my full review (link in bio)

#raddishkids #raddishkidscook #raddishkidsrecipes #kidswhocook #kidchef
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