Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it’s complicated.

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Gotcha Day is the day our two adopted kids became our kids. It’s not the “official adoption day” because that gets a little bit muddy. We could celebrate the day that China recognized our kids’ adoption or we could celebrate the day that the United States Consulate recognized our kids’ adoptions or we could celebrate the day our kids became – officially – United States Citizens or we could celebrate the day the state of Texas recognized our adoptions. See? Complicated.

Yes, we celebrate Gotcha Day. But, it's complicated

To say our adoptions were complicated is a massive understatement. They're complicated like making your head spin need a flow chart complicated. But yes, we celebrate. And, if you think celebrate is the wrong word, I get where you're coming from but it's the word we're going to use for now because it suits our family for now.

New around here? Read our family's adoption story.

We celebrate the day we met our adopted children. Our adoption agency referred to that day as “Gotcha Day” AKA, the day I ‘got you'. The China adoption experience is surreal. You prepare, you plan, you paperwork. And then on the designated day, you meet your child and that child goes home with you, home being your hotel room in your child’s home province. The next day, you appear in court and finish most of the paperwork.

But, Gotcha Day is Gotcha Day. It’s our day to celebrate the anniversary of a child becoming our child.

We’ve adopted from China twice, so we have days and they both fall in August. No matter where in this world I go and no matter how old I get to be, I will always pause on those days and remember the significance of a child becoming our child.

Our Celebrations are on the modest side and that works for us

We do a pretty mild celebration. Each year we’ve done things a little bit differently. Sometimes we get a cake from the bakery or go out to eat at a restaurant. Gotcha Days that have fallen on holidays have sometimes been paired up with a family outing. A few years ago, we were at Volcano Bay, Universal Studios Orlando’s very cool water park for Kyle’s gotcha day,

We realized in retrospect that having doing something big and extravagant to celebrate adoption wasn't a good idea, unless you plan to sustain that level of celebration. We tried to explain to our seven-year-old that celebrating at Volcano Bay was kind of a happy coincidence and not to expect quite that level of celebration each year but he didn't really get it. Still, zero regrets. We had fun in the moment and if he was disapponted the subsequent celebrations were less fantastical, I'd say he recovered pretty well.

Gotcha Day is Kid-Led

We use the day to talk about adoption in whatever way our kids want to talk about it. If they don't want to talk about it, that's okay, too. Sometimes, we look at pictures of our two trips to China or look at the adoption videos we made. Sometimes, my kids ask questions about their birth parents or their caregivers before us. That’s frustrating for us because we know very little and our lack of answers is starting to prove frustrating for our kids. It’s the cards we drew and we’re muddling through that one as best we can.

Oh, the “G Word.”

I completely get that there are people out there who think celebrating Gotcha Day is wrong or that the term Gotcha Day is offensive. 

Karen Moline is an adoptive mom and author of a book titled Get Rid of Gotcha. I have not read the book but it was quoted by the Huffington Post as saying this:

“‘Gotcha’ is my typical response when I’ve squashed a bug, caught a ball just before it would have rolled under the sofa, or managed to reach a roll of toilet paper on the top shelf at the store. It’s a silly, slangy word…I find the use of ‘gotcha’ to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered (‘C’mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!’), it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life… ‘“

While I’m not interested in going around and around about semantics the author who wrote that or anyone else, that description doesn’t apply to how I use the term “gotcha” or “I got you.” It’s not even in the same galaxy as my feelings on what it was like to meet my children for the first time and to know that from that day on, I was their mom.

Anything can be offensive if we try hard enough to make it offensive. I'm just not convinced that “gotcha” is as terrible as some make it out to be.  

But We Don't Say Gotcha

Despite my “gotcha isn't bad” assertion, we don't use it in our family. Our second son was adopted before our first son's adoption anniversary and we fell into calling our little celebratory days “Zack Day” and “Kyle Day.” We didn't do so because of any aversion to gotcha day, it just worked out this way. 

One of my kids is all in about his day and would be devestated if we didn't celebrate. One is more casual about it. I think this is a reflection of their personalities as much as it is about their feelings about adoption but feelings and opinions evolve and I'm fully aware that they are allowed to grow and change their minds about how they see this. Just because I'll never forget the day doesn't mean that I force my feelings or a celebration on them. If I've learned nothing about being a mom in the ten zillion years I've been a parent, it's that you have to realize it isn't about you and that you have to be able to shift gears with no notice. 

It's easy to see Gotcha Day as a beginning, which most people who haven't adopted or who have been adopted usually see it. It's also an ending. While adoptive parents are overjoyed to receive their children that came to them by adoption there is another side of the coin, where someone had to make a heartbreaking decision. All adoptions have one thing in common and that is that they're rooted in the loss of the birth family. Celerabting an adoption doesn't cancel out the loss. 

And, while we don’t think celebrating adoption is minimizing the child’s loss or the birth parent’s loss, I understand there are other people out there who feel celebrations of any kind are inappropriate.

To each their own. For now, we celebrate

Google “gotcha day offensive” and you’ll find dozens of articles criticizing the choice to celebrate adoptions as well as using the term gotcha. Some people seem to be okay with celebrations as long as the “G-word” isn’t used and others seem to find any celebrations whatsoever to be inappropriate. Tweak your Google search just a little and look for “gotcha day celebration” and you'll find printables, suggestions for how to through an epic party, and gift ideas.

We're doing us. Anything more lavish would feel wrong, be impractical, and come on. Both of our adoption anniversarys are in August and that's an overscheduled, hectic mess as it is. Cake and maybe excusing a kid from a chore for a day feels right. For us. 

If either child were to say “No more celebrations” then we'll respect that. They might one day see their adoptions as something to mourn and while I hope they don't, we'll support them and love them as best we can. 

Adoption is complicated. I've probably said that a thousand times if I've said it once and, spoiler alert, I've said it more than once. My husband and I will always be grateful our boys are our boys. We do not expect reciprocation. We are not saviors because we adopted them. So far, the tradition of celebrating those days and our boys' presence in our family has stuck and as long as they're okay with it, we'll keep buying the cupcakes. 

 

 

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