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4 mommy moves I said I’d never make

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We all had ideas about being parent before we become…well, parents. Here are four things I said I’d never do as a parent before I actually become one.

Four things I said I'd never do as a parent before I actually became one

Four things I said I’d never do as a parent before I actually become one

Before we have kids, we’re full of B.S. statements like “My kids will never do that” and “I’m never going to be that kind of mom.”

If you have lady parts, chances are you’ve said these things at least once.  The childless and moms-to-be usually have lofty ideas about child-rearing.  They are usually wrong and eat their words later.  Here are four “never’s” that actually came out of my mouth at one point. Obviously, I’m eating those words now.

1. I will never look like that mom

Before I had kids, I turned up my nose at mothers who let their kids interfere with their fashion choices. I was not going to be one of those moms, no siree. I would continue to be hip and lipsticked upon exiting my house.  No way would I be one of those mothers who drops the kids off at school in pajama bottoms with visible remnants of yesterday’s mascara.  My nail polish will never be chipped and yoga pants will be reserved for actual yoga.

Comfortable shoes and the natural look was for those other moms. Not for me.

Um.

While I still make a reasonable effort not to look like a hag in public, my bar for everyday cuteness is lower.  Lipstick has been replaced by chapstick…and yes, I have my everyday chapstick and my “good” chapstick, which was a situation I never expected to be in.

I’ve dropped my kids off at school wearing visible remnants of yesterday’s mascara and also no mascara. I’m a “sometimes” makeup wearer and I’m OK with appearing in public looking like crap. I try not to be the mom at drop off wearing pajama pants and a sweatshirt, with my uncombed hair under a ball cap and my husband’s rain slicker. It might not rain much here in Texas but it definitely helps to conceal the fact that I’m not wearing a bra.

In short, yes, I look like that mom because I am her.

2. My house will never look like that.

What I said pre kid: There won’t be a plastic tub filled with soap scum and headless, naked Barbies in my bathroom.There won’t be a minefied of LEGGOS marching down my hall way. My house would be tidy. Orderly. You probably wouldn’t even be able to tell kids lived in my house.

Guests to my home (oh yes, because we would still entertain) would be comfortable sitting on my couch to enjoy a glass of wine without having to check whether or not they will be sitting in part of what used to be a banana. They wouldn’t be greeted by the eyesores of ugly, plastic toys in our Zen living space because we’d have vintage wooden toys that would provide the appropriate amount of mental stimulation while contributing to the aesthetically pleasing environment in our home.

Back to earth, now.

Come to my house today and it looks like the plastic toy fairy threw up in every room.  And actually, don’t come to my house. You’re not welcome. We don’t entertain. I don’t want to put on pants or a bra just so I can fetch one more person one more thing. That whole “we will still entertain” thing? Mmm…not so much. It’s not you, it’s me.

3. My kids will never eat that.

I’ll never be one of those moms that fixes separate meals for the kids.  We’ll sit down together every night as a family for proper meals at a proper table.  Ramen noodles?  Anything made by Chef BoyArdee?  Not for this family.  My kids will feast on organic pasta and processed foods will never touch their lips, ever.  If we introduce them to the “right” foods when they’re little, they’ll grow up learning to appreciate nutrition.

Yes, I really said this. Yes, I really thought this.

I remember looking in to my cupboards shortly before Zack’s adoption in 2012.  I gazed with satisfaction upon the spaghettio-free shelves, thinking “My little darling will learn to love gnocchi with Asiago cheese sauce.  He’ll have none of that blue box nonsense.

Well, last week, we had scrambled eggs and Diet Coke for dinner because someone forgot to go to the store to buy staples (like Spaghettios and Ramen).  I’m not even ashamed.

4. I will never resort to use of electronic entertainment to force good behavior in public.

I used to watch those kids with iPads and their moms phones in the grocery carts and I’d silently tsk-tsk. My angels wouldn’t need to be plugged in to make it through one simple trip to the grocery store because they’d sit quietly in the grocery cart and wouldn’t need to be pacified by an app to get through a shopping trip.  My kids would  quietly hold the coupons without wrinkling them or getting them out of order.

We would be “that family” who can coexist with other restaurant goers and appreciate a fine dining experience at a young age (and by fine dining, I mean a place with table cloths.)

Yeah, not so much.  Taking my kids to the grocery store is a last resort, period.  If I’m forced to take them shopping, there is no couponing going on, period. Two four-year olds can turn coupons in to weapons…don’t ask me how, they just can.  However, here’s a win: we were once “that family” who sat in a nice-ish restaurant next to a child-free couple obviously on date night.  They didn’t glance our way once…because our kids were engrossed in their tablets.  Go me.

Parenthood just never works out how you think it’s going to, right?

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47 Comments

  1. These are perfect. While I still manage put-on-while-looking-in-a-mirror makeup each day, I can say that my children have eaten chicken nuggets (and not the organic, free-range kind), I’ve gone to Target in sweatpants, and I am TOTALLY excited that my next vehicle will be a minivan. 🙂

    1. I’m a little excited about the minivan. I’m a little depressed, too, but it is going to make life a lot easier. RIP my coolness. Thank you for visiting me!

  2. I swore we would never have an SUV, gas hogging status symbols that they were. That’s before we contemplated moving number one back and forth from an out of state college campus several times a year. Yep, we have an SUV now.

  3. Right there with ya except for the minivan – my kids are both 3rd percentile for height, so I figure they don’t need more leg room, though eventually I may want to get them farther away from us while in the moving vehicle, so never say never!

  4. Oh, I haven’t put on any makeup the past couple days, both because I have an eye infection (which I swear my 9-month-old gave me) and because I’ve been with my daughter all day sweating our behinds off. I’m curious to see what of my “I’ll never do that’s” I will succumb to as she gets older…

  5. Two and three = me. I swore my house would not be overrun by toys, but now the nursery, kitchen, living room, and actual playroom are all playrooms, the dog has his own couch in one room and a futon in another, and my husband and I share one bedroom that also, wait for it, doubles as a fifth playroom. Oh, and the dog is now allowed on our bed.

    But please, PLEASE, don’t ever make me drive a minivan. I beg you.

  6. Haha I love this… and, I’m still holding out on the minivan! It was my top never. Even if it would be the best thing since sliced bread I can’t cave on this because I’ve been too vocal. Haha. So, the SUV will have to keep getting the ‘mama’s taxi’ job done.

  7. I’ve said all of these and broken every one EXCEPT the minivan!

    Stick to your guns!! Get a Tahoe! Mine seats 7 has a DVD system sunroof and all the other bells and whistles. The center row captain chairs are awesome and make it set up like a van but all while retaining a little bit of cool.

    Just say no to the van!!

    1. (Hangs head). I am the part owner of a minivan. It is in the driveway as I type. I cringe a little each time I look at it but I gotta say, I really do love it. Aside from it reminding me that I’m no longer even a little bit cool, that is. Well…maybe a little bit cool.

  8. See your problem is that you were once cool. If you were like me, you never had coolness so most of the stuff didn’t bother you. Although I haven’t done the pajamas to school drop off yet. Too parnanoid.

  9. I have said all of these before. Well, many years ago. My oldest is now 16 and to be honest, when she was my only child, I was still a hip mom with fashionable clothes, make up, jewelry {and I still had the hot body to go along with it}. Six more kids later and I wish I could just go to the bathroom for 5 minutes alone. I am slowly trying to get the me back that I lost somewhere years ago. As for the house, I have time after the youngest is 18 to have my immaculately clean house, right?

  10. Well I said I would never let my kids sleep with me in my bed and um when my youngest was born my oldest started sleeping with us. I can’t believe it happened but it did. I can relate to some of yours as well.

  11. Ha ha, been there, done that! My favourite one however was my brother who swore he would never have “rubbish” music in his car – he has 5 girls and they love 1Direction, Frozen etc etc, he’s had to swallow his words big time -I just smile!

  12. Haha! I think it’s impossible to live up to the lofty ideals we have before we have kids. We’ve had a minivan since my oldest was in kindergarten. They’re a great family vehicle. I’d recommend Honda or Toyota. You’ll soon forget about the hip factor when you see all the other minivans in the school parking lot! 🙂 #turnituptuesday

  13. Haha! I had enough nieces and nephews before I got married, that I knew not to say, “I’ll never.” I saw how hard it was and knew I’d be in for it. Now I have two kids and I will never drive a mini van … or at least that’s what I’ve said for years. And then the other day my husband and I kind of looked at each other and said, “You know, if we could get a good deal on one, we’d take it.” WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?! 🙂
    Thanks for the laugh.
    Popping by from the Wonderful Wednesday blog hop!
    Erin
    http://www.itallmattersmom.com

  14. Never say never … LOL! It’s just like trying to tell your teenagers the wisdom of your own experience. They don’t listen, only realizing 20 years later how correct mom and dad were!

    1. Thank you for any sharing! You are awesome and I hope you come back and visit my blog. You never know when the minivan bug will bite ya! You were warned!

  15. I was the same way before I had kids. It’s easy to say what you will not do before you have kids. However, once you become a mom you are faced with the fact that you must simply survive some days.

    Happy SITS Day!!!

  16. Haha, I don’t have friends, but many of my friends do and the minivan purchase was the biggest hurdle for them to get over. One of my friends said she really tried to avoid it, but you can’t beat a sliding door when loading kids in the car. 🙂

  17. Ha! Ha! These “rules” have all been broken by me too. I’m a fan of the Town and Country/Caravan family. But now we drive a Yukon. A van was too small after the fifth child. 🙂 Coolness loses it’s importance after children, I think. 🙂 Thanks for the post!

  18. Sigh… yes. I’ve broken these rules as well. Its amazing how hard it is to get kids to eat healthy and what you will do to have just ONE peaceful meal time. So bring on the Kraft macaroni and cheese and call me happy 🙂

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