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The 7 things I learned about adoption during the first month home

January 10, 2020 by Jill 6 Comments

Most people regard adoption as a happy thing. Just look at the Internet: We see memes and status updates and blog posts peppered with “chosen” and #blessed.

And while (for the most part) adoption is a happy thing, it can also be a very difficult thing, in a way bringing a child into your family the “usual” way isn’t.

Disclaimer: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. This post may also contain affiliate links to other sites where I will be paid a commission by the seller if you make a purchase.

Raising humans is just tough sometimes, right? No matter how you arrive at motherhood, it’s stressful and messy right alongside fulfilling and joyful. Parenting is complicated. Adoption sometimes adds an extra layer of complication. 

Table of Contents

  • The 7 things I learned about adoption during the first month home
    • 1. Post-adoption depression is real.
  • Did you know…
    • 2. I needed people to treat me like a new mom…
    • 3. I learned who my real friends were – One of the things I learned about adoption that was hardest to digest
    • 4. It doesn’t matter how you arrive at parenting — parenting is freaking hard.
    • 5. Insensitive comments and nosy questions bothered me way more than I expected them to.
    • 6. I should have read the attachment books.
    • 7. I am the mom – Probably one of the most important things I learned about adoption
  • YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

The 7 things I learned about adoption during the first month home

I’ve been exposed to adoption all my life. My brother is adopted, and so are three of my cousins. Growing up, adoption was just something I accepted as part of how babies come to be in families.

7 lessons I learned about adoption during the first month home

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I’ve carried on the family tradition, although that was a more of a late-in-life twist than part of “the plan” all along.

7 things I learned about adoption during the first month home|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals

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I have three kids: two adopted from China and one biologocal. We adopted in 2012 and again in 2013. Life is pretty normal now — whatever that means — but I’ll always look back on our first few weeks home with our newly-adopted kids and compare it to surviving some kind of parenting boot camp or extended sorority hell week… neither of which I was up for in my mid-40s.

Here are seven things that I learned about life, adoption, and myself during the first month home:

1. Post-adoption depression is real.

If you hear someone talk about post-adoption depression, don’t roll your eyes or dismiss them — it’s a real thing. The life changes, upheaval and the sometimes anticlimactic settling into “regular life” after the buildup of the adoption can be a catalyst for depression and anxiety.

And if you’re the adoptive parent experiencing those feelings? Don’t keep silent. Don’t think “it’s nothing.” Talk to someone. Don’t dismiss your own feelings.

Did you know…

Amazon’s Baby Registry has an adoption option when you sign up. If you are in the process of adopting, sign yourself up! If you know someone who is adopting, share this with them and help them sign up. 

Post-adoption depression is much easier to maneuver through if you don’t keep it bottled up. If I could go back in time and tell pre-adoption me that post adoption depression is real, I would do it in a heartbeat. I learned a lot about adoption during the first month home but this was something I learned the hard way. 

2. I needed people to treat me like a new mom…

…and it was disheartening when they didn’t.

I understand adoption isn’t the same as pushing a whole person out of your hoo-hah, but there are similarities.

Sleep issues (yours and theirs). Adjustment issues (again, yours and theirs).

Related post: I’ve always wanted to adopt, but…

Seven things I learned about adoption during the first month home|ripped Jean and Bifocals

Adoption card from Etsy

A welcome-home shower or even just a couple of casseroles would have made all the difference to me. I wish I’d have spoken up and told people I needed that kind of support. A card or a note is never the wrong choice. I love this beautiful adoption card you can order from Etsy – I think this one is my favorite. 

Related post: The ultimate list of adoption gifts

3. I learned who my real friends were – One of the things I learned about adoption that was hardest to digest

Adoption changed my friendship landscape. Friendships that were rock-solid before my two boys exploded on the scene, slowly fizzled. The person who was the most present for me was someone with whom I hadn’t thought I had much in common with. Because she was one of the few people that didn’t bail, I got to know her. As it turned out, we actually have plenty in common after all.

4. It doesn’t matter how you arrive at parenting — parenting is freaking hard.

Dealing with sleep deprivation, a grocery store melt-downs (OK, maybe yours) and trying to keep track of all the tiny little socks that have invaded your washing machine is hard. Adjusting to becoming a parent (or becoming a parent again) is not for the faint of heart.

I had a little bit of a Pollyanna-ish view of what life after adoption would look like. I was an experienced parent, and we weren’t bringing home infants. How hard could that really be?

Yeah. The Universe is having a good ole chuckle about this.

Related: If you want to really up your game when taking someone a casserole, check out this custom baking dish

5. Insensitive comments and nosy questions bothered me way more than I expected them to.

I got the “Why China and not an American kid?” and “It’s so great that you’re saving a child” comments aplenty while we were waiting to finalize our adoption.

I had my canned responses which fluctuated between “MYOFB” and and eye-roll but things were different once we had the actual kid. I guess people were curious about our decisions and the makeup of our family — people we knew casually and strangers at the supermarket alike.

But here’s the deal: curiosity isn’t always friendly; nice people sometimes ask insensitive questions and it’s okay not to like insensitive questions.

Related post: Real-life responses to nosy adoption questions

Maybe it was because I knew my kids at this point, and the questions about our motive to adopt or the birth mother’s decision struck a nerve. Maybe the wonders of new motherhood (also known as massive sleep deprivation and depression) heightened my sensitivity, but I didn’t expect people’s words to upset me so.

6. I should have read the attachment books.

Our pre-adoption parenting class glossed over attachment and bonding. We got a recommended reading list, which I never bothered to read. I thought the suggestions were over-the-top and too “new age” (skin-to-skin, cocooning (as in staying cloistered in the house with the child and not allowing visitors) and baby-wearing) and I was confident in my ability to bond with my children. I knew what I was doing.

As it turns out, I should have peeked at those books. While both of my adopted children attached to me relatively quickly, I had difficulty attaching to one of them. The maternal feelings were slow to come, and the guilt, pain and frustration of not feeling instant love for my child child spilled into other areas of my life.

While I wish I could turn back time and tell four-years-ago me these things, life doesn’t offer do-overs like that. If only, right?

Related: Yes, we celebrate gotcha day but it’s complicated

7. I am the mom – Probably one of the most important things I learned about adoption

I learned that asking for help and advice was humbling and sometimes necessary. But at the end of the day, I am the mom. Not a perfect mom but a damn good mom. I learned to trust my instincts, own my parenting decisions, even when I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing…which is often. I learned to how to be okay with being wrong and learning how to change course when I needed to.

I learned a lot of things about adoption but more importantly, I learned a lot about myself through bringing these children into our family. The most important lesson, reinforced, is that you can never know all the things — and that little things matter a lot.

Adoption was second choice but it isn’t second-best. Whether you’re an adoptive parent or someone who is close to an adoptive parent, I hope you’ve gained some insight by learning some of the things I learned about adoption during the first month home.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

Six great adoption gifts


6 Comments

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Comments

  1. Monica @HappyandBlessedHome.com says

    July 21, 2017 at 8:23 am

    So telling Jill. I have an adoptive friend who will love this article. Thanks for sharing your heart. Pinning.

    Reply
  2. Nicole says

    July 24, 2017 at 10:17 am

    I adore those friends who didn’t bail!

    Like you, I became close friends with people I hardly knew before adopting. They were the friends who could listen to how unique our struggles were and ask questions. They all have confidence and empathy in common and were willing to continue calling me even when I didn’t have opportunity to return their calls.

    It’s great to hear you had a similar experience.

    Reply
  3. Tiffany Haywood says

    July 24, 2017 at 6:49 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have several family members who have gone through the adoption process and I’ve never even considered how difficult it could be for them. Thank you for this insight.

    Reply
  4. Lillian Maughan says

    October 6, 2017 at 5:07 am

    I too needed people to treat me kindly like any new Mom, but there was some really ignorant people around me. Not to help, just to comment. I have never for given them and our Adoption turned out just fine, 31 years ago. I need have Post Partum Depression, but no one recognized it or they just did not offer a hand.

    Reply
  5. Renee says

    December 11, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you for writing this! I found this post while working on my own post on what I have learned as an adoptive mom. #7…I needed to hear that today! Thank you!

    Reply

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All About Jill

I'm a digital content creator and essayist who copes with parenting and most other situations with humor and snark. Just so you know, if this weren't the internet, I'd be smiling awkwardly and answering simple questions like "How are you today" with gems like "I like pockets."

I really do love pockets, though.

I spent 26 years in the USAF, which went by really, really fast. I'm very proud of my service but I'm loving my second act even more. Writing gives me the opportunity to flex my creative muscles and that's what makes me happy. Welcome.

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Jill Robbins
Happy Wednesday. 📷 taken at Wasserman Wranch n Happy Wednesday.

📷 taken at Wasserman Wranch near Alpine. Check my bio link for more information. 

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"Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of tru "Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of true education." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I saw a lot of posts about Martin Luther King yesterday when I was doing my scrolls through social media...on a day where I wasn't supposed to be ON social media, ahem. We hear and see a lot of Dr. King's words and quotes one day a year. So, instead of apologizing for posting this "a day late" I'll share that I'm challenging myself to remember some of these important words more than one day a year.

Our kids are watching us right now. I mean...they're always watching us but I think what they see in these times is more important than ever. Nuturing our kids' intelligence and character is more important than ever. My kids are 10 now - this picture is about four years old - and they are absorbing EVERYTHING we say, how we say it and even what we don't say. 

This mural is near the suspension bridge in downtown Waco. Waco is famous for all the Magnolia things but there's a lot there for families, too, and the park around the bridge is a great place to explore along the Brazos River. 

#martinlitherkingday #martinlutherkingquotes #wacotexas #wacoheartoftexas #wacohot #texastravel #texastodo #onlyintexas #texaskids #texasfamilies #alamocreatives #igtexasphoto 
#raisinggoodhumans #raisingboys
Here’s something you’ve probably never seen be Here’s something you’ve probably never seen before: my bottom teeth.
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I always hide my crooked bottom teeth in pictures and I’m super self-conscious when I talk. So I did something about it.
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I wore braces as a kid and my top teeth are straight but my bottom teeth are shifting and one tooth is traveling into the back of my mouth and I have some crowding. My orthodontist said it’s very unusual to put braces on just half your mouth but my bite is still aligned so they didn’t have to put them on my top teeth - my wallet is thankful.
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Questions I’ve already been asked:
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1️⃣ At your age? Yes, at my age. I still care about my smile. 
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3️⃣ How long do you have to wear them?
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6-9 months.
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3️⃣ Do they hurt? 
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My teeth are sore and my mouth is tender but not to the Tylenol level so I guess the answer is “Not too much.”
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Other questions? Advice?
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#braceface #adultbraces
Little things can really be big - do you agree? M Little things can really be big - do you agree?

My husband gets up with our kids twice a week and does their breakfast and morning routine and takes them to school so I can sleep in. I don't laze away the morning in bed - it usually amounts to about an extra hour of sleep for me and a little more peace and quiet as I start my day. 

This probably seems like a little thing but this is huge for me. The mental benefits of not having to set my alarm on a schoolday is truly my love language. I would rather have sleep than flowers or presents. 

On those morning where my husband takes my kids to school, I will inevitably find the kitchen not "just so." There will be spills on the table or something that didn't get put away. I resist the urge to be sarcastic or to ask "Um, is there a reason we have four boxes of cereal just sitting on the counter?" or point out that it would take less than 30 seconds to wipe a tabletop or put a box back on the shelf. I resist saying stuff like "I guess if I want it done a certain way, I have to do it myself." I don't even say that to myself. 

My husband isn't "doing me a favor" by taking care of our kids. When I talked about being stressed and tired during an argument last year, he offered to take some things off my plate and giving me two mornings where I don't have to set an alarm was one of his ideas. It's part of the give and take of marriage and even though it makes me clench a little when I see spilled milk or stuff that hasn't put away, I appreciate having a partner who shares the load with me. 

My marriage definitely is not perfect and I'm in no position to give relationship advice. But for us, this one little thing is a really big deal. 

And, as I've recently discovered, a cereal box can sit on the counter for several days and the world doesn't explode. Who knew.

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Anyone else having massive “This time last year” moments?
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2020 started out so fine. We extended our kids’ winter break to take them on a Disney Cruise- no better reason than that, amiright- and I was excited about all the Disney Cruise blog posts I was going to write. Disney Cruises are (errr...were?) one of the most searched terms on my website and how a lot of people found me.
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Early 2020 was such a time of hope and light that pretty much everyone took for granted.
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While it’s become glaringly obvious the change in the calendar isn’t a magic potion, I still have hope for this year and still believe there magic yet to happen.
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You know...the good stuff.
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#believe #disneycruise #disneycruiseline #disneycruiselife #disneywonder #disneymagic #disneycreators #disneycreatordays #mondayxmhe #disneymagicmoments #nowmorethanever
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