“Being a mother is not about what you gave up to have a child, but what you've gained from having one,” said someone once. That someone wasn't me. I love my kids and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. My life would be substantially less full without them. It would also be substantially less loud, substantially less messy and substantially neater, more peaceful and more organized. But, neat, peaceful and organized are not generally words we apply to parenthood..at least not in this house. Although I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, I do find myself wanting to loan them out on occasion. There are definitely things I miss from my pre-kid life.
14 things I miss from my pre-kid life
1. Only being worried about my own bowel and bladder habits
My youngest has been potty trained for almost four years and I still spend an unholy amount of time cleaning up after and asking about (are you sure you wiped, honey?) poop and pee.
Especially naps. But mostly just sleep that comes in stretches longer than 1.7 hours at a stretch. I don't remember what it feels like to not be a sleep-deprived zombie.
While motherhood hasn’t completely cleaned up my potty mouth, having kids around does help keep my language in check.
There’s just something about sweet little voices telling our neighbors “My mommy says the HOA is made up of a bunch of bleepity-bleeping jerks (actually another word besides jerks but you are stepping in what I'm throwing down, right?) who have no bleepity-bleeping life” that makes me re-think my word choices.
But man-oh-man I really miss just letting those F-bombs fly.
Deciding to go out for dinner at 7:49 on a Thursday night. Having unscheduled sex. Shut up, you know you do it, too. You do, right?
Having the freedom to say “We’d love to,” without having to consult three planners, your husband and your favorite babysitter.
5. Cleaning my house and having it stay clean for more than 17 minutes
I am determined not to live in a Nutella fingerprinted environment that smells like old cheese and feet. I am losing that battle but I remain determined. A girl can dream, right?
5. Not having to over-analyze every trip to the store
Do I have enough time to make my Target run before my kids get home from school?
Do I have enough snacks to get my kid through a trip to the grocery store?
Do I need to go to Costco enough to show the general public how easily I can loose my shit when shopping with kids?
And so on. It used to be so simple…
6. Gangsta Rap
Sometimes, a mama just wants to get low get low get low without having to explain too many things, right?
7. Packing for just me
Packing used to be so simple and streamlined. A couple of changes of clothes based on what activities you had planned. Extra undies and toiletries and all that. Maybe a sweater and a package of trail mix.
After kids? Three changes of clothes per day in the event of food spillage, mud, ketchup, or throw up. Giant first aid kit, activities for the road, activities for the hotel, extra blankets, six bazillion chargers and cords for all. the. electronic. things. we need to handle a trip with our kids.
8. Loud sex.
Enough said about that.
9. Walking around naked
We’re not a super modest family but the free and easy pre-kid nudie days are pretty much o-v-e-r. Besides, walking around naked can lead to loud sex. I vaguely remember this.
10. A clean car
I used to wash and vacuum my car once a week. I’m honestly not sure when the last time I washed my car was but I’m very sure that my kids could survive for at least a week on stray Goldfish Crackers and other (semi) nutritious things that might be lurking within the seat cushions. A partially petrified chicken nugget never hurt anyone, right? Right????
11. Solicitude in the bathroom
We are past the point where my kids want to be worshipping (literally) at the throne but plopping my butt down for a nice long poop accompanied by a nice long game of Fishdom (don't judge) is an invitation for my kids to bug me about absolutely everything they might want, need, or have questions about. Apparently.
12. Being able to poop without fear that small humans will burn down the house
I mean…this falls under “be careful what you wish for,” right? My kids either bug the crap out of me (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) while I'm unloosing the caboose or they're dangerously quiet. My two boys could probably take out the entire subdivision in the time it takes me to have a really good poop.
13. Not having to have discussions about Minecraft, Roblox or Hey Jessie
I could do without knowing these things exist, let alone be put in situations where I have to discuss them with other human beings.
14. Friends who aren’t moms
I love my mom friends. I love being able to talk about poop and snot and toxic boy bathroom environments with other fellow sufferers. It makes me feel less alone and reaffirms that I am doing the best job I can.
I’m sure I’ll love talking about stinky teen feet and other gross teen things with other moms of teens in a few years. Actually, not really. I think I’d rather have pap smears and root canals on a loop, but you know what I’m trying to get at.
But, I miss my friends that aren’t moms. The friends that make plans without regards to “who can watch little so and so while I go out and do such and such.” The friends who don’t complain about lack of sleep or try to one up you with the “who hasn’t showered in the longest “ game. Spoiler alert: I usually win this one.
I miss choosing who I hang out with on the basis of something besides the “oh, she has small humans and feels my pain” factor.
Being a mom is awesome. I wouldn't want a fairy godmother to appear out of nowhere and “poof be gone” my kids. But, it might be nice if she could arrange for a regular spa day, or something along those lines.
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