Five MORE Mommy Moves I said I’d Never Make

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If you say stuff like: “My kids will never do that.” or; “I’m never going to be that kind of mom,”

then you are just asking for it and Karma will sneak up and not so politely bite you in the ass. I should know. I was one of those moms. A couple months back, I wrote an article about four mommy moves I said I’d never make. Click HERE to read it. The list of things I said I’d never do as a mom (but ended up doing anyway) goes on. And on. Here are five more things I said I’d never do as a parent (but ended up doing anyway) are you sensing a pattern here?

Five MORE Mommy Moves I said I'd Never Make

1. I’ll never do gross stuff.

Before I had kids, I was appalled when I saw moms do stuff like sniffing the hind end of their small human to check for poop. I mean, really? Did she really just sniff that kid’s ass? Ditto for the mom who scooped her baby’s pacifier up off the floor in Target, licked it and popped it back in the kid’s pie hole. Disgusting on so many levels. I would never be that mom.

[Tweet “Pre-kid, I was appalled when I saw moms sniffing their kid's hiney to check for poop.”]

Um…yeah. Motherhood and bodily fluids go together like peas and carrots, Forest. The immunity to the gross factor of shit, snot and anything else that can be projectile-like expelled from a small human happens lightning fast. And sniffing your kid’s butt as your litmus test for a diaper change? Total time saving move. Who has time to lift the kid’s diaper to check for visual evidence? The scratch and sniff method tells you what you need to know.

[Tweet “Motherhood and bodily fluids go together like peas and carrots, Forest. #mommylife”]

2. I’ll never neglect my girlfriends.

Yes. Yes, you will. Even if your besties are frazzled yoga-pants-wearing-non-shower-taking new moms that you have stuff in common with, the chances of you interacting with them outside of Facebook or the occasional text are slim to none. And the cool girl with the high heels and the makeup that’s actually applied using a mirror?  She doesn’t deal with kids whining for mac n’ cheese or Doc McStuffins. She’s dead to you. Your call on whether you want to unfriend her to get rid of the status updates about visiting places like Manhattan and Aspen…you know, places you will never.go.with.kids.ever.

[Tweet “Your childless high heel wearing friend doesn't deal with whining or Dora. She's dead to you.”]

I'm not saying that moms can't have friendships.  Of course we can.  But friendships will change as the result of being moms and most of the time, you'll put mothering ahead of being an engaged bestie.

3. I’ll never let my kids sleep with me.

My bed is for sleep. My sleep and my husband’s. Occasionally for reading and homana homana meow meow. My kids will sleep in their own pimped out by Pottery Barn room.  Says the woman who wakes up to a third person in her bed almost daily.  And no…I'm not talking kinky stuff.

My husband and I fought the co-sleeping for a long time…and then we eventually bought a king size bed that had room enough for us all and then life was good. Don't judge, man.

I'm not a fan of co-sleeping or the “family bed” but I am a fan of more than 45 minutes of sleep at a stretch.  I don't love our sleeping situation but we are all…well, sleeping. 

4. I’ll never share my potty training adventures on social media

To date, I haven’t broken the seal on social media potty training antics, and since my boys are now potty trained, it's a safe bet I won't be posting any potty stories (unless they're mine…whole other story.)  I haven’t posted any status updates that detail how many times my kid didn’t pee his pants.

While I haven’t bored you with status updates like “whoo hoo! Kidlet peed in the potty! Bring on the wine!” I am much more tolerant of those who do. Because independent poop and are pee breaking news. They are! And really, because bring on the wine is just such a nice thing to say for any occasion.

5. I’ll never freak out other parents on purpose.

If you’ve been pregnant and treated to the random and (sometimes alarming) stories of someone’s aunt’s hairdresser’s neighbor’s gestational diabetes, 39 hour labor without any pain meds, and the kid who was breastfed until he was eight you'll get this.

But, we break this rule.   How many times have I freaked out a prospective parent:

You look amazing!  My aunt looked amazing when she was preggo, too.  She had surprise triplets and then her uterus fell out. But, I'm sure that won't happen to you.”

Or a  mom struggling in the midst of a toddler meltdown:

Oh honey, just wait for it.  These so-called terrible two's are a cake walk compared to the threes.  And don't even start me on the f$&%*#g fours.”

I don't know why we do these things and say these things. We're probably just trying to make a connection, regardless of how obnoxious it may seem.

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  1. I never thought I would lick off a pacifier off the floor either, but when you have a screaming infant and no faucet in site, sometimes you just have to! Nor did I think I would ever willingly touch my child’s boogers, but that went out the window also. I’m sure there is *way* more I will end up doing that I said I wouldn’t especially as she gets older!

  2. I used to swear I would never ever ever tell my children to shut-up. I thought (I still think) it’s the most horrid thing you could say to a kid, but when you’re in the trenches every day those never evers are all up for grabs.

    1. I’ve always said “shut up” is equal to a swear word when you say it to a child. That said…I’ve told my kids to shut up. And worse. Not my proudest moments in parenting and I’ve felt awful afterwards. Sometimes, moms lose it.

  3. I always said, they would never sleep in our bed. Yep, and our 7 year old slept with us last night. It was rough as he kept elbowing me in the back of the head. I try to remind myself that I will miss this when he is grown…

  4. I loved this! It’s been a long time since my “mommy” days and now it’s grandma but I still remember lots and lots! My daughter is now pregnant with twins and I love scaring the shit out of her with tales of the upcoming C-section and leaking boobs! It’s the highlight of my days! This is seriously hilarious though, great job!

  5. I’ve done all of these and said I never would. Goes to show you never know until you get there. And the older we get, the more likely we are to just say “aw, what the heck.” 😉

  6. You know that song “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”? I’ve changed the lyrics to All I want for Christmas is a KING SIZE BED! Our 5 year old starts in her bed and ends up in ours every.freakin.night!!! We’ve given up on ever getting the 1 year old out. She went directly from bassinet to our bed. She can be completely asleep and the minute you put her in the crib, she screams like we have cut her foot off! Hubby and I have given the bed to them completely a few times and slept on the futon!

      1. Hate to break it to you….. A king makes no difference! The other night both of my girls were in a “must touch mommy- and daddy won’t do” he had half of the bed and I’m holding on for dear life with a 2 yr old and a 4 Yr old in the middle.

  7. I said…

    “I’ll never give my kids a snack to keep them happy (aka… not screaming) in public!”

    Ba ha ha!!

    I have snacks stashed everywhere!!!

    I found 11 fruit leathers in my van the other day and there is a bag of pretzels in every purse!!!

  8. I’m pretty much guilty of all! I have four kids and wouldn’t let the first three sleep with us. the baby – we let are guard down and we can’t get him to leave – but I secretly love it. How wrong is that?

  9. I never really thought about it, honestly, but I certainly didn’t foresee cupping my hands together to catch vomit. But it was so much easier than cleaning the bed, carpet, restaurant floor… You get it.

  10. So funny! I’m guilty of all of these things. Today, I cleaned up two piles of poop off the floor and two puddles of pee. 10 years ago, I never thought I’d be doing that. And who knew toddlers could be such bed hogs.

  11. I always said I’d never do gross things like the diaper sniff… Now I not only do the diaper sniff, I also pick my kids’ boogies and spit-wash their faces when they’ve got random stuck-on food. I’m embarrassed to admit this in a public forum.

  12. Annnnd I now need to go stock up on birth control. If this is what being a mom is like, then no thanks. I can deal with gross but oversharing poop and pee stories on social media or suddenly ignoring friends is not my bag.

  13. Oh there’s a million! The pacifier is a big one. I also thought I’d never let a kid have a pacifier after infancy, but here we are at age 2…
    Cleaning up vomit…who did I think was gonna do that for me once I became a mom?!
    And the shit we SAY! Yesterday I heard my mother in my voice. Not the first time! But I thought I would never speak that way.

    1. None of my kids were really into the pacifier. But yeah, I have seen other kids out and about and tsk=tsk’d over the 3 year old with a binky! And yes…I hear my mom come out of my mouth all the time!

  14. Just last night I commented on riding the bus home with my baby at 10 pm. I used to wonder about (and judge) the parents who were out shopping with their babies at night. “Why aren’t they in bed?” I’d wonder. Now I know that some babies are night owls, even if their mama isn’t. And bed sharing….I *knew* we weren’t going to do that. But then it turns out that both she and I sleep better that way, at least for now.

  15. I swore I’d never drive a minivan. And now I can’t imagine life without it! I also swore my kids would never eat in the car. After the last good van cleaning (where there was enough food on the floor to feed a small country), we have tried to be more diligent that snacks are only for trips longer than an hour.

    1. Yeah, I am not a fan of food in the car, either. I don’t have a rule against it, but I try to limit it to longer trips.

  16. “I will never let my kids play with toy guns.” Son turns everything into a gun. Literally EVERYTHING. Sticks, pencil crayons, his fingers… I give up, here’s a freakin’ Nerf gun. Knock yourself out.