Someone once said “I believe in being honest with my kids, 101 percent.”
That someone wasn’t me. I lie to my kids all the time. I’m not just talking about the trifecta of deception: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I don’t creatively bend the truth. I straight up lie like Pinnochio. Am I ashamed? Hell no. Lying to my kids saves my sanity, not to mention time and money. And sometimes, it’s just fun to eff with them a little.
Here are seven of my go-to’s:
1. Your face will freeze like that
In a few years, my kids will be old enough to understand that a few tears or even an all-out nuclear grade meltdown won’t cause their face to freeze mid-wail. But for now, this little lie has a better than 50 percent chance of getting my crying kid to shut it. So, I take advantage of that. Zero guilt.
2. A fly will poop on your lip
This is a hand-me-down. Every time I stuck my bottom lip out when I was a kid, my mom would scare me with the possibility of fly poop on my face. Technically, could be true, I guess. It worked for me and it works for my four year old bottom lip sticker-outer. Apparently fly crap is scary to a little kid.
3. That’s broken
This is reserved for every annoying automatic pony ride thingy in front of the supermarket. There’s a time and a place for shit like that: it’s called Chuck E. Cheese in my neck of the woods. Taking time out from my errands to feed coins in to a pony, car or airplane that jiggles and bounces for all of eighteen seconds only to be met with cries of more, more…ain’t nobody got time for that.
Easier just to breeze by and announce in a mock-regretful tone “sorry, darling, That’s broken.” Occasionally some “fun mom” will screw it up for the rest of us by actually letting their kids ride these things. If that’s you, knock that shit off, will you? People like me need to get in and get out of the store and don’t have the time or interest to indulge in a mini carnival.
4. No, you can’t have a bite, that’s spicy
This is reserved for anything that my kids want that I don’t feel like sharing. Being a mom, I’m usually resigned to going halfsies on anything that looks like it tastes good, but some things aren’t shareable like Klondike Bars and anything made by Dove. I have no shame about snarfing down my treats behind the locked bathroom door at ten O'clock at night but but when I get caught, I tell my kids with a straight face that its way too spicy and that it would burn their mouths. Really, I'm just being kind by denying them.
I know this kind of lying has a limited shelf life. Pretty soon they’ll be worldly enough to know that no ice cream on this planet is spicy and that if I’m eating something in the bathroom, it’s extra good and they definitely want a bite.
5. I’m pooping
When I’m behind a locked bathroom door it means I need my special alone time. I recently installed the Pinterest app on my phone so I'm probably oohing and ahhing over recipes and DIY projects that are way above my skill level. Being behind a locked bathroom door might mean I’m having some chocolate I don’t want anyone to know about. I might have a glass bottle of wine in there.
Being a mother in a large-ish family means alone time is pretty much nonexistent, unless I’m claiming to be on the crapper…and even that isn’t a guarantee. I might be eating, drinking or stalking people on Facebook, or I might just be soaking up a few minutes of blissful aloneness. My payback will be the mess that the kids have made while I’ve been locked in my she-cave, but it’s usually worth it.
For now, my family believes my little lie about Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ve got a good thing going with “I’m pooping, kids” so I’m gonna milk that as long as I can. You would, too.
6. If you don’t go to sleep, Santa won’t come
What this really means is “if you don’t go to sleep, mommy and daddy are going to crack open that second third bottle of wine.” It means we’re going to get well and truly blitzed while we’re waiting for you to pass out so that we can assemble whatever piece of Melissa and Doug's finest we've decided to let Santa take credit for.
Confession: there’s no “we” involved in assembly of Christmas toys. I’m a supportive wine-drinking couch potato who periodically mutters things like “looking good, honey” or “they’re really going to love that.” But Santa will come, no matter how late you stay up, kids. The Christmas toys might be put together with chewing gum and hot glue and mommy and daddy may be a little bleary eyed on Christmas morning, but it’s all good.
7. I’ll take that iPad away
I’ll freely admit to using electronic entertainment as a babysitter from time to time. Okay, several times a week daily. When my boys get out of hand, the first thing I do is threaten to take their iPads away. Sometimes I even stalk over and act like I’m going to grab it from their sticky little hands. Pul-leeze.
Sometimes I need my small humans to be engaged in something besides pulling on my shirt and whining for Fruit Rollups. Maybe I want to blow dry my hair without fear they’ll burn the house down. Judge if you like.
In all seriousness, I don’t believe in lying to kids about important stuff, although I am a never say never kind of girl. I’ve told lies to my kids in the spirit of self-preservation and personal comfort levels, but in general, I believe the truth is easier when it comes to important stuff…except stuff like what I’m really doing when I’m locked in the bathroom.
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Toni Hammer says
October 20, 2014 at 1:04 pmI am so putting the fly poop one in my back pocket to save for later. That is brilliant.
Toni Hammer recently posted…Playing Peek-A-Poo
Jill says
October 20, 2014 at 11:40 pmIt’s a good one, huh? I think it might still get my attention if my mom said it to me now.
aimee fauci says
October 20, 2014 at 1:34 pmGoodness YES I lie to my kids and make up random fake facts! From.. ‘you better clean your room because Santa will think you have too many toys and he won’t come’ to ‘if you brush your tongue, new taste buds will form that will make you like different foods’ and telling my 3 year old that the computer.. not laptop has to be charged so she can’t get on it.
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Jill says
October 20, 2014 at 11:41 pmI am going to have to remember that tongue brushing one. My kids still like to brush, but I’m keeping that one for the piggy preadolescent years.
iwantadinosaur2014 says
October 20, 2014 at 4:13 pmOh, Jill….this was genius. I loved every drop. ‘..dont have time to indulge in a mini-carnival..’ hahaha!!
iwantadinosaur2014 recently posted…Alma Mater Telemarketing Calls
Jill says
October 21, 2014 at 2:09 amIt’s true! I have no time for those little rides when I want to go to the grocery store. And if we do it once, they always want it. X2. No thanks!
Brandyn Blaze says
October 20, 2014 at 4:22 pmI think I’ve used all of these at least once! One of my go-to lies is telling my daughter that my phone (and various other items) needs to sleep to get her to quit asking for it!
Brandyn Blaze recently posted…From Behind The Safety Of A Screen
Jill says
October 21, 2014 at 2:10 amI like it! Mine may be getting too old for “the phone is asleep”. They are already skeptical over spicy ice cream. Damn it.
Shell Roush says
October 20, 2014 at 4:50 pmI’ve said “that’s closed today” about stores/restaurants I don’t want to go to. Sometimes it’s just easier!
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Jill says
October 21, 2014 at 2:10 amI can see myself using this one. I think I might be able to get some real mileage out of that one!
Jenny @ Creatively Blooming says
October 20, 2014 at 4:58 pmWhy have I not used the “your face will freeze like that” one? I remember my parents using it on me, but I have no idea why I haven’t used it on my kids. Now I’m just waiting for the next meltdown…
Jenny @ Creatively Blooming recently posted…Watch Me Grow: 9 Months
Jill says
October 21, 2014 at 3:35 amHa! Almost makes you look forward to it, huh?
taryn says
October 20, 2014 at 5:08 pmI’m totally in love with some of these ideas. I’m sure I’ll be guilty of some in the near future. Oh Here’s one I’ve done told my daughter sour cream was ice cream she tried it she insists she hates ice cream. .. For now
Jill says
October 21, 2014 at 3:35 amThat’s brilliant!
Michelle says
October 20, 2014 at 6:34 pmHAHAHAH…I don’t remember the lies I told my kids…but I know I did…
Michelle recently posted…And She’s Buying A Stairway
The Shitastrophy says
October 21, 2014 at 12:38 amYup do all these, and also the tooth fairy. Especially when she doesn’t show up I am full of excuses. That chick is so damn unreliable.
Brittany Bullen says
October 21, 2014 at 4:40 amJill,
This is great, and so true. I’ve told almost all of these… and I tweeted your tweet! 🙂
I found this from the post you sponsored on facebook, and i was curious. Do you do that a lot? Do you find it effective? I’d love to hear more about your marketing, I love learning from my blogging friends!
Brittany
Brittany Bullen recently posted…How to Turn Your Idea Into an Empire: A Case Study
Jill says
October 21, 2014 at 10:55 amThis is the first time I’ve tried the sponsored post. I am glad you told me you found me that way. I’m experimenting with some different things and I haven’t found what works yet. Thanks for stopping by and for the RT. Have a great one!
Laina Turner says
October 21, 2014 at 11:23 amHysterical!
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Winnie says
October 21, 2014 at 4:15 pmOMG. I have tears in my eyes from laughing.
Rachel Lavern says
October 21, 2014 at 4:39 pmI don’t recall telling my child fake facts; however, my parents were full of them.
Happy SITS Day!
Lana says
October 21, 2014 at 4:45 pmSo funny – and I’m totally with you! When my boys were little and I was eating candy I didn’t want them to have, I told them it was “mama’s vitamins”. To this day they still call gobstoppers that. Happy SITS day!
Lana recently posted…Halloween Decor Tour
Tammi says
October 21, 2014 at 7:32 pmLMAO!!! So funny. We could be sisters! Have you ever told the kids in the checkout line that the candy is “yucky and tastes like poop”?
I had my kids convinced all candy at the checkout was poopy and gross! Fist bump to you, fellow mom!
Tammi recently posted…They Bet Against Us but We Won
Miki English says
October 21, 2014 at 7:53 pmLove it! I used some of these same “lies” with my kids when they were growing up. They’re in their twenties now and they don’t seem to have been intellectually stunted by them. Well, maybe a little… I’ve been using the poop on the lip with my two year old grandson recently. We use a bird instead of a fly, though. =)
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Alysia says
October 21, 2014 at 10:14 pmLOL Omg, it feels so much better to know I’m not the only one 😛
“I’m trying to take a crap here, for Christ’s sake!” is my go-to line. In all actuality, I’m sitting against the bathroom cupboards, reading a book and eating a box of Mike N Ikes that I’ve hidden away for a good 3 months for just such an occasion….
Alysia recently posted…Wine And Twine on Wordless Wednesday
Danielle says
October 22, 2014 at 5:04 pmThese are great! You are so funny. I am saving ALL of them for later. My son is only 10 months old, but I am sure these will come in handy someday!
Thanks for sharing! PS I am voting for you, so glad I found this site.
Danielle recently posted…A Learning Explosion
WorkingMomMagic says
October 22, 2014 at 5:43 pmI ALWAYS use the its broken one! This is great
WorkingMomMagic recently posted…Picture Day Fail
Jhanis says
October 23, 2014 at 7:36 amHahaha! Oh yes! I do too! I sometimes get lost in the labyrinth of lies that I have created. maybe I should start writing them down so I don’t forget my alibis. 😀
Jhanis recently posted…Win a Christmas Tree from King of Christmas!
Chris Carter (@themomcafe) says
October 23, 2014 at 7:02 pmSO funny and SO true!!! I think it’s those lies that truly keep us sane… I could probably add a few more to your list!
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says
October 23, 2014 at 7:36 pmThis cracked me up- loved every word! Yesterday my three-year-old asked me how to play the kazoo. In a moment of stupidity, I told her. She still couldn’t get it and told me it must be “out of batteries.” I wholeheartedly agreed. Lying is a straight-up parenting survival tool.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. recently posted…How to Talk to Your Kid About Puberty While Driving Home from the Mall
Kristi Campbell says
October 23, 2014 at 11:49 pmHAHAHA I lie too. I love the “a fly will poop on your lip” so so much and am going to borrow it. And I give my son the iPad sometimes when I’m just really tired so that I can play candy crush on my phone. True story.
Kristi Campbell recently posted…Our Land: Being A Mother And A Survivor Of Abuse
Bev says
October 24, 2014 at 10:28 amHahaha, great list! Eve is still young for me to be able to lie to her,e but I will likely be stealing some of these from you some day 😉 And along the eating from–seriously, I cannot eat in front of her with offering her some of it. The other day she got seriously pissed off when I was eating some bread with jam and only gave her a tiny morsel. And she’s 11 months old!
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Darlene says
November 5, 2014 at 6:17 pmYou’re so funny. Thanks for the chuckle. They all ring so true. LOL.
I told a few little lies to my kids and now with my grandkids. Hiding in the washroom worked with my girls but the thought of stinky poop does not scare my grandkids. They just plug their noses and laugh. LOL I tell them they are weirdos. They agree and say it runs in the family.
Darlene recently posted…Wordless Wednesday
Rabia @TheLiebers says
November 6, 2014 at 3:03 pmMy son and I were leaving church last night and I overheard some other kid asking his dad to take him across the street for ice cream. I could tell Dad didn’t really want to do that, but he kept hemming and hawing about it. I wanted to shout, “It’s CLOSED! You can’t get any ice cream there tonight!” but I decided against it. I had that response ready in case my son asked, but apparently I’ve killed his dreams often enough that he didn’t even bother!
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…Dot & Dot Travel Organizers {Review}
sparkling74 says
November 8, 2014 at 11:53 pmAt least you haven’t told them the biggest whopper my mother told me. Blind driveways are for drivers who are blind. For years I wondered if blind drivers have to turn and look behind them when back up or if they just go for it.
sparkling74 recently posted…How I Hit the Jackpot
Kimberly H. Smith says
November 10, 2014 at 7:16 pmThis is hysterical! I’ve used “That’s broken” and “If you don’t go to sleep, Santa won’t come”! When my son was a little younger, I used to say “That’s hot!” when he wanted to touch something that I didn’t want him to. I once heard a mom tell her child to turn and face the wall (which was white) and don’t turn around until the wall turned purple! LOL Love this! Visiting from Wake Up Wednesday.
Kimberly H. Smith recently posted…The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Cast Shakeups, Breakups, and Makeups
Lou Lou Girls says
November 10, 2014 at 10:02 pmHello beautiful! I love this. Pinned. Thank you for taking the time to stop by! I hope to see you at our party tonight, it starts at 7 pm. We love to party with you!
Happy Monday! Lou Lou Girls
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Natasha in Oz says
November 13, 2014 at 11:51 pmThanks for sharing your post at the Say G’Day linky party. I’ve just pinned this to the Say G’Day Saturday board. I’ve used several of these “threats” over the years myself!
Hope you are having a great week.
Best wishes,
Natasha in Oz
Natasha in Oz recently posted…Pecan Pie ~ A Treat for Thanksgiving & My for Birthday!
Jill says
November 14, 2014 at 12:17 pmThank you! I hope you have a good week, too!
Jill Pond says
December 30, 2014 at 1:50 amWow, I really like the fly poop lie, but my kids don’t really do the pouty lip thing. Maybe a fly will also poop in open, whiney mouths? I’m glad that you have found such a nice place to ponder life- the bathroom is not an option around here- I have slider doors that don’t lock. Perhaps I’ll go down to the guest bath. I could poo in there for hours.
Jill Pond recently posted…This Is Your Gut on Holidays
Andrea B. says
February 12, 2015 at 2:46 pmI’ve definitely used a few of these.
The face will freeze one – but my kid doesn’t buy it.
Damn it – age 8 (newly, but she never believed me!)!!!
Kristen says
June 20, 2015 at 7:12 pmI lie to my kids all the time. I’m not proud of it…but it happens. Except today I told her how babies come out of women. Probably not the best idea…should have lied.
Kristen recently posted…What is Father’s Day? [VIDEO]
Stephanie says
April 5, 2016 at 1:28 pmI tell my son that the ice cream man only plays the music when he’s out of ice cream. Lol def can’t afford a $3 Popsicle that gets more on him than in his mouth! Haha
Sarah says
April 6, 2016 at 2:03 pmMy 2 year old son started asking for a candy bar from the display by the checkout at Walmart. I told him that they aren’t for sale. He usually accepts that, but not this time. He wanted to know “Why?” Without missing a beat, my 14 year old daughter said” Those are only for people who can dance.” he totally bought it and replied “Oh, ok, I don’t like to dance.”