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Co-sleeping and adoption – Why we did it

December 1, 2016 by Jill 4 Comments

I’m old fashioned and that extends to my parenting. I’ve always believed children should sleep in their own beds. Their own bed being not my bed. I know the trend has moved toward more co-sleeping or “the family bed” in recent years, but I’ve always been a firm believer that situation wasn’t for me. My bed is for my husband and me. For sleep — my sleep. For sex and relaxing. There’s nothing relaxing about waking up in the middle of the night with a someone’s stinky little foot shoved in your ear. Nothing.

I understand occasional bad dreams may bring a child into the parents’ bedroom. Saturday morning snuggles with cartoons in bed with mom? I’m down. I’m not a complete ice cube, but I’ve never believed co-sleeping was something that was right for our family.

Until it was.

Cosleeping and adoption - Why we did it|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals

My husband and I adopted a 2-year-old in 2012 (he’s now 6). Our social worker and members of our adoption support group encouraged co-sleeping as a bonding tool. Trying to bond with a newly adopted toddler who’s not clear on what’s going on brings its own set of challenges. We were advised to squeeze in as much close, physical contact as we could to establish that parent-child bond.

I was beyond excited, over the moon to be this kid’s mom. But co-sleeping? Uh… no. I lovingly transformed our spare room into the coolest kid space ever. EVER. There was a note in my son’s case file that said he slept in the same bed as his foster mom. I blew that off and convinced myself he’d happily snooze alone in his little pimped-out Pottery Barn Kids palace.

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This did not exactly work out.

Our first six months with Zack are a blur. He was not impressed with the pimped-out Pottery Barn Kids palace. Trying to compromise, I pulled his toddler bed into our room. Fail. This kid was perfectly happy to sleep in our bed and only in our bed. Any movement toward another sleeping situation crashed and burned.

I could get him to go to sleep in his own room by sitting beside his bed and patting his back. He’d snooze for an hour, then wake up crying. I wore a path between his room and ours. It became a nightmare of a routine. Kid cries. Mom goes to kid and pats him back to sleep. Mom shuffles back to bed and sleeps for approximately 26 minutes. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I was a wreck. Little things like running low on Diet Coke would send me into a nuclear-grade meltdown. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture. A sleepless night here and there? The human body can suck that up, but every night? We’re not built for that.

After a few months, Zack would sleep in his own bed for two to three hours at a stretch. Hello REM sleep. Instead of crying for me to come in, he started tiptoeing into our room and crawling in our bed. He’d wedge contentedly between my husband and me. I guess the fact that he was sleeping longer and coming to us instead of crying for us to come to him was a sign he was becoming more comfortable. I went from getting up with him every hour to three or four times a night.

We kept insisting co-sleeping wasn’t for us, even though our small human was telling us otherwise.

Cosleeping and adoption - Why we did it|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals

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Looking back, I don’t know why it took us the better part of a year to buy a king-sized bed and accept things as they were. My old-school notions of what parenting should look like didn’t include a kid in our bed every night. I had to bend.

Regular sleep for everyone won. For whatever reason, Zack needed to sleep with us and we eventually accepted that. The bonding process seemed like it was going well, but looking back, I see there were underlying insecurities that popped up at night and made him crave that closeness.

I don’t wish for many do-overs in my life, but if I could turn back the clock, I’d let Zack sleep with us from the get-go. I wish I’d have been more open to his needs and less rigid in my thinking. I will never get that time (or lost sleep) back.

Co-sleeping didn’t put a damper on my sex life because guess what? Women who are rested are interested in sex with a human being instead of making love their cup of coffee. We both had more energy to get creative and find time to be intimate. What did hurt my marriage was being a crazy woman who bit my husband’s head off with almost no provocation and being so zoned out we couldn’t communicate. Not experiencing the joys of REM sleep did put a strain on every part of my life, especially being a wife.

Things got better when everyone started sleeping regularly. And, parent sex only takes a few minutes, right? Please say that’s not just me. Where there’s a will and five minutes, there’s a way, but if one partner is a walking zombie, you’re probably not getting that kind of action.

Not all co-sleeping families are gung-ho about co-sleeping. We did it because our child needed it… and in the end, I needed sleep more than I needed to be right. If all signs point to co-sleeping as the best thing for your child, rewind and consider your position… and yes, your position might be the fetal on three inches of mattress space, but at least you’ll be sleeping. Sort of.

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4 Comments

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Comments

  1. Jenni says

    December 2, 2016 at 7:04 am

    We have co-slept with two of our adopted kiddos and zero of our biological ones 🙂 I am the same way, I was proud when my kids could sleep in their own beds. Like you, we found out our kids had different needs and had to adjust accordingly. Flexibility is the key to surviving the initial months together.

    Reply
  2. Tammy says

    December 2, 2016 at 9:17 am

    I also never expected to co-sleep with my kiddos…my first son, adopted from Korea, had extreme night terrors, and would scream and sleepwalk frequently during the night. Having him sleep with us was the only way to keep him safe at night and to get any sleep ourselves. I love our pediatrician for reassuring me that co-sleeping is much better for everyone than no sleeping! A little more than a year after he came home, he was able to sleep on his own : ). We actually PLANNED to co-sleep with our second son (in a side-car style bassinet), who came to our family as a newborn. But, in addition to medical issues that made it virtually impossible, none of us slept well with him in the room! My husband and I pretty much tag-team held/snuggled him around the clock for nearly two full months, but he started napping in his own bed after that and sleeping through the night in his own crib (and his own room) around the same time. We are also, I think, one of the few families in the US who had a doctor’s recommendation for stomach sleeping for our baby.

    Reply
  3. Lori Sorrell says

    August 16, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    Loved this article! I too never thought to co-sleep with my 2 bio kids but 13 years later, became foster parents and just knew that that is what our wee one needed. We did adopt her and I’ve never regretted the bonding that happens thru sleep and I recommend it to anyone– but especially those adopting!

    Reply

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  1. Co-sleeping and adoption – Why we did it – Adopting.org Adopting.org says:
    December 11, 2016 at 5:26 pm

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All About Jill

I'm a digital content creator and essayist who copes with parenting and most other situations with humor and snark. Just so you know, if this weren't the internet, I'd be smiling awkwardly and answering simple questions like "How are you today" with gems like "I like pockets."

I really do love pockets, though.

I spent 26 years in the USAF, which went by really, really fast. I'm very proud of my service but I'm loving my second act even more. Writing gives me the opportunity to flex my creative muscles and that's what makes me happy. Welcome.

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rippedjeansandbifocals

Freelance Writer & Travel Expert
Producer, Listen to Your Mother SA
💜 Mom via birth & #adoption
🐈 Human to @remusthebengalcat
🇺🇸 USAF veteran
📍#texas

Jill Robbins
Happy Wednesday. 📷 taken at Wasserman Wranch n Happy Wednesday.

📷 taken at Wasserman Wranch near Alpine. Check my bio link for more information. 

#texastravel #westtexas #texastodo #welovetexas #texaskids #donkeysofinstagram #westtx #texastravel #onlyintexas #alpinetexas #alpinetx #igtexas #igtexasphoto #alamocreatives #heymama_love #texasblogger #satxbloggers #texasthingstodo #miniaturedonkey #miniaturedonkeysofinstagram
"Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of tru "Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of true education." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I saw a lot of posts about Martin Luther King yesterday when I was doing my scrolls through social media...on a day where I wasn't supposed to be ON social media, ahem. We hear and see a lot of Dr. King's words and quotes one day a year. So, instead of apologizing for posting this "a day late" I'll share that I'm challenging myself to remember some of these important words more than one day a year.

Our kids are watching us right now. I mean...they're always watching us but I think what they see in these times is more important than ever. Nuturing our kids' intelligence and character is more important than ever. My kids are 10 now - this picture is about four years old - and they are absorbing EVERYTHING we say, how we say it and even what we don't say. 

This mural is near the suspension bridge in downtown Waco. Waco is famous for all the Magnolia things but there's a lot there for families, too, and the park around the bridge is a great place to explore along the Brazos River. 

#martinlitherkingday #martinlutherkingquotes #wacotexas #wacoheartoftexas #wacohot #texastravel #texastodo #onlyintexas #texaskids #texasfamilies #alamocreatives #igtexasphoto 
#raisinggoodhumans #raisingboys
Here’s something you’ve probably never seen be Here’s something you’ve probably never seen before: my bottom teeth.
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I always hide my crooked bottom teeth in pictures and I’m super self-conscious when I talk. So I did something about it.
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I wore braces as a kid and my top teeth are straight but my bottom teeth are shifting and one tooth is traveling into the back of my mouth and I have some crowding. My orthodontist said it’s very unusual to put braces on just half your mouth but my bite is still aligned so they didn’t have to put them on my top teeth - my wallet is thankful.
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Questions I’ve already been asked:
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1️⃣ At your age? Yes, at my age. I still care about my smile. 
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3️⃣ How long do you have to wear them?
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6-9 months.
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3️⃣ Do they hurt? 
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My teeth are sore and my mouth is tender but not to the Tylenol level so I guess the answer is “Not too much.”
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Other questions? Advice?
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#braceface #adultbraces
Little things can really be big - do you agree? M Little things can really be big - do you agree?

My husband gets up with our kids twice a week and does their breakfast and morning routine and takes them to school so I can sleep in. I don't laze away the morning in bed - it usually amounts to about an extra hour of sleep for me and a little more peace and quiet as I start my day. 

This probably seems like a little thing but this is huge for me. The mental benefits of not having to set my alarm on a schoolday is truly my love language. I would rather have sleep than flowers or presents. 

On those morning where my husband takes my kids to school, I will inevitably find the kitchen not "just so." There will be spills on the table or something that didn't get put away. I resist the urge to be sarcastic or to ask "Um, is there a reason we have four boxes of cereal just sitting on the counter?" or point out that it would take less than 30 seconds to wipe a tabletop or put a box back on the shelf. I resist saying stuff like "I guess if I want it done a certain way, I have to do it myself." I don't even say that to myself. 

My husband isn't "doing me a favor" by taking care of our kids. When I talked about being stressed and tired during an argument last year, he offered to take some things off my plate and giving me two mornings where I don't have to set an alarm was one of his ideas. It's part of the give and take of marriage and even though it makes me clench a little when I see spilled milk or stuff that hasn't put away, I appreciate having a partner who shares the load with me. 

My marriage definitely is not perfect and I'm in no position to give relationship advice. But for us, this one little thing is a really big deal. 

And, as I've recently discovered, a cereal box can sit on the counter for several days and the world doesn't explode. Who knew.

#thisisus #thisismarriage #loveandmarriage #happywifehappylife #marriedlife #mancrusheveryday #texas #texasstyle #rippedjeansandbifocals #marriagegoals #relationshipgoals #coparenting #parenting #momlifebelike #momlifeisthebestlife #ocd #ocdmomproblems #ocdmommy
Anyone else having massive “This time last year” moments?
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2020 started out so fine. We extended our kids’ winter break to take them on a Disney Cruise- no better reason than that, amiright- and I was excited about all the Disney Cruise blog posts I was going to write. Disney Cruises are (errr...were?) one of the most searched terms on my website and how a lot of people found me.
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Early 2020 was such a time of hope and light that pretty much everyone took for granted.
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While it’s become glaringly obvious the change in the calendar isn’t a magic potion, I still have hope for this year and still believe there magic yet to happen.
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You know...the good stuff.
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#believe #disneycruise #disneycruiseline #disneycruiselife #disneywonder #disneymagic #disneycreators #disneycreatordays #mondayxmhe #disneymagicmoments #nowmorethanever
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