20 thoughts from a mom who doesn’t give a damn about the Star Wars release

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Two things:

I’m pretty sure my husband would consider divorce as an option if he were to read this.

My husband hardly ever reads my blog so if you’re worried about the state of my marriage, it’s all good.

So. The Star Wars movie comes out this week. Whoop de doo. As you might have guessed, I’m not a huge fan. I’m not a Star Wars hater, either. I’m admittedly kind of “meh” about the whole thing but I consider myself to be a pretty smart cookie for knowing Star Wars is the one with Yoda and Star Trek is the one with Spock.  Right?

I won’t be standing in line for a ticket on Friday. I’m pretty sure this movie is important enough to my husband to not wait for it to be released on DVD or Netflix, but thankfully, his dislike of crowds is stronger than the force, so I’m good for the next couple of weeks.

20 random thoughts from a mom who doesn't give a damn about Star Wars|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals|

Here are 20 things on my mind this week that have nothing to with Star Wars:

1. How real the possibility is that I won’t be able to zip my pants by December 31st.

It's real. Very, very real.

2. The reassurance that I own exactly 9 pairs of yoga pants and two of them could be considered “dressy” yoga pants.

3. It’s ___ days until Christmas and I haven’t made a to-do list.

I have not written one. thing. down.

4. The realization that everyone on the internet is holiday butt-hurt about something.

5. My hairdresser quit and I have gray roots half an inch thick.

It’s a PITA to try and find a new hairdresser over the holidays and the places in the mall scare me. Hey, these are real problems, people.

6. I will spend 18 straight days with my children and I have nothing scheduled.

No playdates. No fun activities. I’ve considered going to Walmart to buy some sort of kid friendly crafty ornament thingy but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I haven’t made a list yet, remember?

7. What if my kids bust me moving the elf or eating Santa’s cookies?

8. What if I’m really addicted to Candy Crush?

9. What if we run out of wine over the holidays? Just kidding. That would not ever happen.

[Tweet “I worry about running out of wine over the holidays. Just kidding.”]

10. My biggest goal is to make it to 2016 without a trip to the emergency room…odds are not looking so good. I’m seeing signs of an ear infection and one of my kids’ newest thing is pretending to be a robot sleepwalker. He’s got two goose eggs from banging into stuff when he’s “sleepwalking.”

11. My goal is to watch enough stuff on the Hallmark Channel and HGTV to where my exposure to Donald Trump will be minimal.

There's not much I can say about this. I'd watch a Star Wars movie marathon every weekend if that man would just go the eff away.

12. I’m super irritated that The Walking Dead is on midseason break.

One word: Darryl.

13. This might be the last Christmas where my kids are unaware of the existence of Minecraft

14. My family and I will be home all day together (because I haven’t planned any activities) and I need a creative way to keep how much I goof off on the internet a secret.

15. I worry that my husband will not appropriately interpret “don’t buy me anything for Christmas.”

I really, really meant that, but it will be awkward if he thinks “don’t buy me anything” really means “you better buy me something, jackass.” Super awkward.

16. I seriously dread baking cookies with my kids…but I’m going to do it anyway.

If I had a to-do list, baking cookies would be on it…I think maybe I’ve even mentioned it to my kids so I can't really back out now.

17. I am going to eat approximately one-fourth of my body weight in Chex mix.

Fiber is good for you, right?

18. My kids are going to ask me to take them to the Star Wars movie approximately 157 times before I actually give in and go, so I might as well just give in and put “family movie night” on the calendar.

19. I refuse to correct my one kid that calls it “Tar Whores.”

[Tweet “I refuse to correct my kids when they call it “Tar Whores.” “]

20. I refuse to believe that I might actually like the movie upon being forced to see it.

I saw Star Wars and the Empire Strikes Back and I slept through at least half of each movie. I have almost no concept of what the movies are about and I got chastised the other day for saying “3CPO.” Whatevs. I was close.

So. The force is strong in my husband and he’s brainwashing my sons to love all things Star Wars Tar Whores. That’s okay. I don’t mind all the talk of Jedis and such in my house and other than a couple of suggestions that I might like a “Naughty Princess Leia” costume for Halloween (I would not) I don’t really get asked to partake in the Star Wars mania and my family allows me to stay right here in my own galaxy.

So, for all you people out there who are anxiously awaiting the release of the new Star Wars movie, I hope it’s everything you expected it to be, that the lines aren’t too long and that there aren’t assholes on their cell phones in the row behind you.

Me? I’ll be here trying to arrange my hair to cover the gray roots and keeping my kid from banging his head in to walls.  Good times. Oh, and may the force be with you.

20 random thoughts from a mom who doesn't give a damn about Star Wars|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals|

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  1. Jill, My name is Jeff, one of the “Star Wars” liker people. You don’t have to like Star Wars, like I don’t have to like;
    Taylor Swift,
    Shakespearean films with or without Gwyneth Paltrow,
    Calendars with babies dressed up like flowers or sea creatures,
    “Hilarious” cat or baby videos you have to “keep watching” for the good part,
    50 Shades of Grey, Mauve, Periwinkle, or any other new colors ladies create,
    Lunches with ladies that can’t make up their mind where to go – ever,
    Baby Showers,
    Wine and Paint parties (Unless it includes me painting a nude model of my choice),
    1 minute shoulder massages, and
    Having to “want to” wash the dishes.

    So, I feel your pain. 🙂

    1. Dear Jeff-
      I don’t think we could ever go to the movies together. BUT. I am also not a Beyonce fan and I always know where I want to go to eat. You don’t like Bistros. Noted.
      I am pretty sure this is my favorite blog post comment ever. EVER.

  2. Luckily my whole family are Star Wars fanatics. I am a 50 year old mother of 2 who has a whole room dedicated to Han, Luke, Leia and Darth. You don’t know what your missing.

  3. LOL Love this!

    I’m not a Star Wars fan either, however, my Facebook feed is flooded with it! I liked the first and second movie but then let it go. I may watch the new one when it is FREE on one of my premium channels, just like I did Fifty Shades of Horrible Acting. 🙂 No need to jump on a bandwagon for either because I am my own person. Fads come and go just like movies.

    Ya know, color those sparkles in your hair by yourself and save a few bucks. Better than that, if you need a trim, grab the scissors and have at it. Have you seen some of these hairstyles on the celebs? Oh good grief!

    Have a Merry Merry One!


  4. Well I have to say I was a star wars fan in the old days when it first came out. Now, my kids and husband are excited, but I’m ‘eh.’ Now with that said, I’ll probably go see it, just for something to do, but definitely will not be the first one in line for the tickets. I can wait a week or two when the hub-bub has died down, so I understand.

    Pretty funny article. I really enjoyed it.