We’ve made it through the terrible twos (which really aren’t that bad), the terrible threes (which really are that bad) and we find ourselves smack in the middle of the effing fours (which make me want to drink and say lots of bad words). The preschool years are messy, exhausting, and whiz by all too quickly. Here are a few fun “fournado-isms” you may recognize:
1. You have zero expectations of peeing alone when your kid is awake (unless Disney Junior is on or duct tape is involved.)
Any child under age five has built-in radar that alerts him when you need to use the john. It doesn’t matter that he’s completely absorbed in his Legos (or whatever sharp plastic toy that’s managed to hold his attention for more than 30 seconds.) If you need to pee, he becomes all about you and wants to hold court at your throne…literally.
2. It adds a little something special to your day when you have a potty cheering section (one kid counts as a cheering section.)
If you’re feeling kind of meh about your day, the affirmation of “good job, mommy, you didn’t pee your pants” can do wonders for your self-esteem. And let’s be real…some days, not peeing your pants is one of the high points.
3. You have entire conversations with your partner in spelled out words. You might even find yourself asking hubby if he wants to have s-e-x when the kids aren’t anywhere in earshot.
I figure we have a few more years before we’ll have to switch to Pig Latin or Morse code but the kiddie talk has really taken over. I’ll excuse myself to “go potty” when there are no kiddos around and hubs recently told me he was ready for “night-night.” We’ve lost any shred of hipness we ever had (and that wasn’t much.)
And seriously, if I ask my husband if he’s interested in s-e-x, I don’t care where the kids are in the house. They can be fast asleep but they have super power and sense any and all signs of impending parental nooky and will be on top of you in an instant…which probably isn’t the kind of “on top” you had in mind.
4. You claim sleeping past 6 a.m. is completely over-rated (only because you know it won’t happen in your foreseeable future.)
You say stuff like “oh, I can get soooo much accomplished when I’m not lounging around in bed ‘till nine,” or “I guess it’s fine for some people to sleep past noon but I’d feel so unproductive if I did that.”
You know you’d love an extra hour or four of snooze time if your kid didn’t whine for Fruity Pebbles and Dora at the ass crack of dawn. Any critique on late-risers is just you being a little bit of a hater (and that’s okay.)
You secretly love the fact that you can sing geeky kid’s songs any time you want
My personal favorites are “Love is an Open Door” from Frozen and the “Hot Diggity Dog” song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Because I drag two little kids around with me, spontaneously bursting in to song in the middle of Target is perfectly acceptable. I get funny looks when I start belting out “Bubble Bubble Bubble Guppy Guppy Guppies” when I’m not with the kids, though. Not that I do that. Ahem.
So there you have it. From potty parties to socially acceptable public songfests, life with small humans always keeps things interesting.
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