To the trolls and the haters that think my blog is a free space on the internet for you to semi-anonymously spew negativity, I have a few things to say.
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I thought I’d start by telling you a little bit about me. You know…the person who pays for this online space where you feel so free to bare your shiny hiney. That’s right. I pay for web hosting and to keep this domain up on the internet. This little space on the internet is analogous to my online house. Would you come to my real house, walk in, accept a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, or maybe some cookies and proceed to tell me everything you think it wrong with my views, my life, or my decisions? I’m going to go with no.
I started this blog in 2014 while I was deep in the throes of un-diagnosed post-adoption depression, which, by the way, is really a thing. My husband and I adopted two young boys from China in 11 months. Separate adoptions, no biological relationships between our kids. Our first adoption in 2012 was idyllic. Our second in 2013 was a shit storm. Our son had medical needs we weren’t told about and the medical needs we were told about were far more complex than we’d realized. Pair that with family problems, visa problems, payroll problems, and every other kind of “OMG what could happen to this family next” problems that anyone could…well, it was a perfect implosion of all the things going wrong.
I coped by pretending nothing was wrong during the day, crying in the bathroom when everyone was asleep at night, and getting up at 5 a.m. and writing my thoughts (which I decided were mostly word vomit) out in the mornings before I left for work. Without really understanding anything tech, I bought a website, reserved social media, and started putting my thoughts out there. I didn’t expect anyone to read it, beyond my mom and a few online friends I’d made through a few online adoption forums I’d joined when we were waiting for our adoptions to happen. I thought I’d get some satisfaction and closure by writing things down and sharing them with my small circle.
But surprisingly, the circle got bigger. People started to read my blog. I made connections with other adoptive families from around the world. It was a comforting source of connection. It was validating. It was a source of comfort when I was struggling. I was a little overwhelmed by the response and it encouraged me to keep writing and also to keep healing.
I reached a point where I didn’t cry in the bathroom all the time. The fog of depression lifted and I started feeling normal again.
This blog has evolved. There are raw stories about adoption and depression and feeling hopeless and hopeful. As I started to gain some “regular life” traction, my writing changed. I wrote less “this is the open sore that is my life right now” blog posts and more “my kids can’t pee in the potty but I still love them” and “hey this mac and cheese recipe saves my dinner time” posts. We have always been a family of nomads and I eventually shifted this blog to tell the stories of our travels with our kids. I’m a big “experience over stuff” person and I love showing my kids the world and sharing it with all of you.
Yes, even you.
My blog gets about 10 hateful comments per week. Most of them are from people I’m going to label as trolls, and although my adoption posts are not very frequent anymore, all of these comments are on my adoption posts, even my older ones. There are the “why couldn’t you adopt from your own country” comments and the accompanying “There are so many kids in foster care you could help.” There are the bitter adult adoptees who have some kind of ax to grind with adoption happy endings, who seem to think that every thing I write about adoption needs to remind people that adoption is about loss and that I’m not doing enough to remind my kids on a daily basis that I stole their culture. People who have (I’m assuming) never met me, don’t know my family, who seem to think that since its “the internet” that they get to weigh in about my family, our adoptions, and our motives.
I don’t respond to comments from trolls. If I did, I’d spend at least an hour a day addressing hateful, bitter people who don’t know me that want to make comments about my personal life. In the past, I’ve either deleted the comments, reported them to Google as spam, or edited them before publishing them on my blog. That’s right. If you’ve ever left a toxic comment on my blog and it accidentally shows up as “Jill, you’re pretty” well then, now you know the magic that happens behind the scenes. That’s right, Cruella. I can edit those puppies (SEE WHAT I DID THERE.)
But to the trolls and the haters, I’ll say this just once:
I’m a real person. This crappy, hateful, comment you’re leaving on my blog post is being read by a real person, probably while she’s trying to make dinner or figure out how she’s going to juggle all the other things. Your little snippet of negativity probably came to me at a time where I least needed to feel crappy about my life.
Your opinion doesn’t matter to me. It took a long time for me to be able to say that and mean it.
If you have a negative impression of our adoptions, China adoption, international adoptions, or adoptions in general, that’s F.I.N.E. If you want to think I have a “save the children” mentality, you’re allowed to think that, although it shows you’ve spent very little time here. I don’t get to decide what you think or feel your feelings. I don’t have time to try and change your opinion or justify my life choices every time you decide to show up and leave a nasty comment on my blog.
Barbara S., Ashley G. Susan G. Mary B., Ben Affleck (although I know it’s not the REAL Ben Affleck) and the first-grade teacher in Missouri who used her .edu email account to tell me what was wrong with my life: I read all of your comments this week. I read your scathing interpretations of my life, my character, and my motive to adopt my children. I read your hopes that I might “someday get a clue” and “focus on what really matters to my children.” And yes, the teacher in Missouri is real and I consider it a big act of grace that I didn’t forward it to the school on whose domain she decided to type her comment that contained multiple F-bombs, and sadly, typos.
I’m not here for you.
I’m here for other parents, namely adoptive parents in the trenches. And, a little bit for me because writing is therapeutic like that. I’m not suggesting adult adoptees don’t experience pain or that their issues aren’t important or that I don’t care about them. I am only one person and I am not trying to solve everyone’s problems or be everything to everyone. To write about issues adoptive parents experience is not discounting, diminishing, or dissing anything an adult adoptee might be feeling at any point in time.
But this is my story. Not yours. Not your free space on the internet to say whatever you want. It’s my space, and while I’m good with comments that challenge me or offer a different perspective, there’s a difference between that and trolling. And while I get that an adult adoptee with some feelings of angst might not deserve the label of troll, I’m going to give myself permission not to post their comments if they’re inflammatory or angry. This isn’t your place. If you need a place to express your unhappiness, I hope you find it. Just not here.
This place is for adoptive parents who are struggling as I once was in the hope that they’ll someday not struggle. I am not in the “save the child” camp and I don’t believe my adopted kids are “so lucky.” I accept there are other adoptive families out there who do believe this and had this motivation to adopt. I don’t agree with that line of thinking but I don’t bash someone who wants to feel like they’re “rescuing the orphans,” although some of those adoption tee-shirts make me uncomfortable, too.
I’m okay with being plan B and I think I’m the lucky one. I am thrilled to be my kids’ parents…most of the time. I am a semi normal mom running on coffee and trying to remember where her car keys are.
Adoption is fairly secondary right now. It is not the focal point of our universe and although we have some things that set us apart from other families, we mostly blend in any live our lives. Exciting stuff like Costco and soccer practice.
So to the trolls and the haters that want to add some negativity to what is a mostly happy place on the internet? This is not the underside of your bridge.
Yay! Brilliant repost to the haters. Why do people not just shut up and put up?
Good for you for replying.
I started to write last night but I’m glad I did not push send because today I stumbled on a short essay that reflects exactly what I wanted to convey and I’ll link you to it. You must be an engaging writer to have cultivated a following of people who have adopted or who hope to adopt. You describe having started the blog long ago to get your feelings of sadness, hope, joy and frustration out into the universe and you really did not know if anyone would hear you or if they did, would even care about how you felt. You describe being surprised and happy to learn that others were impacted by your thoughts and feelings.. And so I think you have much in common with the people who troll your space here in that way that they have something important to say about adoption also and they don’t know if anyone will hear them or if they do will even care how they feel. The trolls and haters that visit your blog likely come here to be heard by people who adopted or want to adopt that would never seek out the blogs that they write themselves under psudonyms. They write anonomously because usually the people who adopted them would be hurt if they knew how they felt about adoption. It’s been many years since they adopted and they’ve settled into what to them feels like normal chaotic suburban parenthood with graduation parties to plan and homework to help with. They are coming to your blog because they want to be heard by people who adopt because they are affraid to talk to the people who adopted them. They just want to be normal parents when really they signed up for something ten thousand times more difficult and challenging than people do when they are just raising their own offspring. The haters and trolls must see that you have a strong following and they must hope to change the way people who adopt or want to adopt think about adoption because they can do something to change how adoption is experienced by whoever they adopted. If the people you are raising, showering with love, attention and the necessities of life were ever to read this post they would learn that you just want to be a normal parent busy with macaroni and soccer practice and if they want to express their feelings of loss because of adoption they will have to start their own blogs where only people who think like them listen to them or care how they feel. Would it hurt you to know that if they felt they could not come to you with their feelings that they’d be called names and deleted from every forum where people who adopt gather to talk about adoption? Would that make you cry to think they have only eachother to lean on and what they really want to do is get people who adopt to listen? Please read this beautifully written short essay by a 15 year old girl about being adopted. Please note she says she loves the people who adopted her. But she is a hater and says she hates adoption. If you delete my post or if it never posts at all I appreciate that you took the time to read it because I do hope to change how you think by sharing this girls words with you. Why? Because you are important, you have influence and your voice matters. People are listening to you if not to them. https://dearadoption.com/2019/03/27/dear-adoption-i-hate-you/
I appreciate your thoughtful response and respect the time you spent putting your thoughts together. You definitely offer a perspective that I hadn’t considered before. I actually published this privately to my subscriber audience almost a year ago and decided to publish this week on a whim. It’s been sitting in my drafts folder for all this time and I decided I needed to publish it this week. Curious if you’re an AP or an adoptee or someone who just ended up here. Your perspective intrigues me.
When you are faced with a mean, hurtful comment that come out of nowhere, you don’t really stop to consider “Well, what made them do that?” At least I never have considered it. While I’m open to being challenged or disagreed with, I’m not open to hate…not here. Not in this space. I did find the essay you linked very sad and moving. I’d not heard of the site Dear Adoption and I’m glad to know of its existence. It seems very balanced. I know that one of my kids may someday feel like this girl feels with regard to adoption. I hope not. I hate that anyone feels that way and I don’t claim to understand what it is like to feel those feelings. 15 is hard enough, under any circumstances and I hope she finds some way to get some peace. Like me, I suspect she feels that writing helps.
I think most adoptive parents are aware, on some level, of some of the perspectives that adult adoptees or older adoptees have. I’m perhaps more aware of it because I’ve chosen to write about adoption from my perspective but it the feelings that can come from “the other side” were something we were always aware of. I think I’m more aware of it because I have built this community and readers reach out to me regularly. I have friends who have kids who struggle as teens. I have adults in my family who are adopted that have varying feelings about their adoptions. It is complicated, always complicated.
You haven’t changed my thoughts but you have given me some very interesting insight. But, you don’t see some of the profane, nasty, harassing, personal attacks that I choose not to publish. The comments that inspired this essay are not “get people to listen” comments from people who just want to be heard. This is a tiny little spot on the internet and there’s a place for people who feel that way. This isn’t it.
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I am and adoptive parent “in the trenches” but this post really rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you don’t call this a “negative” comment but I wanted to share some feedback. As adoptive parents one of our many jobs is to be there for our children who are adoptees, and how better to be there for our adoptee children than to listen to adult adoptees. By telling adoptive parents that adult adoptee voices and their opinions don’t matter as adoptive parents we are alienating the people who can help us with protect our children in the future and their hearts. I would love to open a respectful dialogue about this.
I don’t think she meant to say she wasn’t willing to listen to adult adoptees. I’ve been following Jill since she first put her blog up and I know she’s a sensitive and caring person. I know she does get some “eff you get a clue” and “how dare you buy those children” other fairly aggressive comments from people who don’t think she’s telling THEIR story from THEIR perspective. It’s her personal blog. She’s pretty real and pretty willing to listen and I know she values her kids’ heritage and roots. i don’t think she was trying to be dismissive of adult adoptees or their perspective but I respect her for drawing the line on the people who leave mean comments because they think they’re masked by the internet. I’m adopted and I think she comes from a really respectiful place but I also think you have to know her content and her voice to fully get where she’s coming from.
You’re welcome to disagree with me all you want. I don’t consider that a “negative” comment. I’ve deleted the comments that inspired the post I wrote that has garnered so much attention but a few of them remain in my memory: “Get a clue, you fucking stupid bitch. You bought your babies, why are you whining?” “I’m sure you love your kids but you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re fucking talking about.” “Why would you celebrate the day you stole your children from China? You clueless moron.” “Your kids will hate you someday if they don’t already.” “You are stupid AF and clueless and no one should have ever let you adopt those kids.” THOSE all comments from the haters and the trolls, Kate. THOSE are the comments that inspired me to write what I wrote. THOSE are the comment I don’t publish. There is absolutely nothing in my words that suggests that I don’t think the voice of an adoptee matters. My kids’ voices matter. If you want to open up a respectful dialog, feel free. The internet isn’t your free space to take potshots at someone else’s thoughts…at least not here…but before you take this forward, I’d ask that you re-read what I wrote and I’d ask that you be at least slightly familiar with this community.
It was really nice of you to post my comment. I’m glad you read the essay and discovered a new blog at the same time.
Certainly. I welcome thoughtful conversation. So…are you an adoptee, adoptive parent, or someone who just landed here via The Google?
I reunite separated families for free all over the world. I have a regular jjob. Over 20 years of reuniting all kinds of separated families my views changed about adoption from listening to the impassioned words of the people I was helping. Really I think the laws currently just add a lot of unnecessary additional loss of rights for adopted people and it’s something we all could do something about here at home. The Asian American/Canadian/Australian/French adopted people who I have assisted with searches seem to have the same abandonment story which is pretty disquieting. I’m not sure how we can change Asian laws from our own countries. I’d just like for society to listen to their stories and identify the losses that can be eliminated for the next generation and even the current generation and work towards that rather than responding with the idea that its better to sustain those losses of rights than to remain in an orphanage. (Not that you responded that way, you did not, its just my particular interest in adoption) We should be able to do both-remove chidren from an orphanage with their rights intact. It’s just paperwork, just law not rocket science. We sent a man to the moon half a century ago; it’s got to be possible for a family to raise an orphan whose identity and rights remain unchanged if they need to be raised by people outside their own family and even outside their own countries.
I have been with you from the beginning. I remember when you first got published on the huffington Post and got the comment about your “pound puppies.” I’m so glad to see you’re still writing. Love how big your boys are getting.
I’m an AP and an adoptee. I completely get where you’re coming from. I’m sorry people are hurtful.