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Ripped Jeans & Bifocals

Adoption, motherhood and midlife

When it’s not love at first sight with your adopted child

May 1, 2016 by Jill 14 Comments

My son is one of the bravest people I know. That seems like a weird thing to say about a 5-year old, but it’s true. My husband and I adopted him from China when he was three. In one afternoon, his life was completely turned upside down and sidways… and so was mine.

When it's not love at first sight with your adopted child|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals

He woke up one morning in familiar surroundings. He’d spent his very last night in the orphanage that was the only home he knew. The woman who’d cared for him since infancy probably told him how grand it would be to have his own forever mommy as she helped him dress – but when you’ve lived your life in a room filled with rows of cribs, you don’t grasp the meaning of family. Or forever.

Later that day, he met a loud redhead who spoke a funny language (that was me). After a flurry of paperwork and rushed goodbyes, the lady from his orphanage left, taking the last shreds of familiar with her. Forever.

I don’t know who was more scared: this vulnerable, frail little boy or me. His skin was chalk white and he was so, so tiny. I could see each rib.

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I’d been looking at this little boy’s pictures for eight months – almost the length of a pregnancy – dreaming of the day I’d become his mommy. I’d convinced myself I already loved him. We later discovered he’d been bundled up, maybe padded in those pictures. He was underweight and malnourished with medical issues we hadn’t been informed of – serious, scary issues. We were unprepared.

In an instant, I learned a picture didn’t tell the whole story.

In an instant, I realized that I didn’t love this child.

I didn’t feel anything close to love. I felt panic and dislike and then guilt for feeling panic and dislike. This kid was sick and smelly. But he was now my kid. Forever.

I vividly remember sitting on the bathroom floor of our hotel in China, thinking, “I can’t do this … I can’t be his mom.” I close my eyes and I can see myself sitting on the cold tile floor, resting my cheek against the bathtub as I sobbed behind a locked door. No one knew how afraid I was.

I thought of leaving him in China even though I knew I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. We took him home. Were my actions motivated by maternal feelings, pity or the desire to save face? I don’t know. I don’t go too far below the surface on that question, because that level of self-examination is just too uncomfortable.

We eventually found our new normal. We launched into a groove of constant doctor’s appointments: specialists, nutritionists, early intervention. This kid’s world had been rocked, but he was adjusting pretty well. He began to trust us, learning to speak English at lightning speed. And he ate. This tiny slip of a boy could really pack it away.

I was still having moments of panic and doubt, but I was encouraged by his progress. If he was adjusting, I had trust I’d get there, too.

Loving this child was a choice. The phrase “fake it till you make it” goes against my nature, but that’s exactly what I did.

Social workers teach adoptive parents about bonding, but the focus isn’t on helping parents feel bonded to the child. It’s hard to be a parent who doesn’t attach to their child. It’s crushing. I know. I was that parent.

I look back on the road we’ve traveled and marvel at how far we’ve come. Today, my son is a secure and healthy child who is full of life. He’s also full of it, and we all know what I mean when I say “it.” He’s gained weight and lost that hollow look. He knows there will always be enough food to eat, and he knows what a family is.

When he’d been with us for seven months, I walked past the den where he was watching TV. “Sit here, mommy,” he called to me and patted the couch. I sighed. I was busy. I didn’t have time to stop what I was doing to watch a bunch of aging Aussie hipsters dance around singing about cold spaghetti, mashed potatoes and fruit salad.

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I sat anyway, and it felt good to relax for a second, even though the Wiggles aren’t really my thing. I was always tired those days. The endless doctor’s appointments and the stress over my own feelings had worn me down.

He hopped onto my lap, tugged at my hands and wrapped my arms around his body. “Mommy, we best friends,” he declared. I pulled him just a little bit tighter. I rested my cheek on his head, inhaling the sweet smell of sweaty little boy head, and smiled … because I knew I’d made that gesture of affection spontaneously. I wasn’t faking it. I thought to myself, “we are there.”

When it's not love at first sight with your adopted child|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals

This has been a hard road. Our life isn’t a fairy tale or a scene from a Lifetime movie, but I cherish my bond with this child all the more because I was so afraid we’d never get here.

My husband and I chose adoption, and although I say I chose to love this child, I really believe that love chose me.

I had the honor to read this piece on stage as part of Austin’s 2015 Listen to Your Mother Show, which forever changed my path. If you’re in or near Listen to Your Mother’s 41 cities, do yourself a favor and find some way to be a part of it.

 

 

 


14 Comments

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Comments

  1. Kristen Hewitt says

    May 1, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    Wow. Tears reading this but then listening to you it was powerful. Beautiful, raw, honest story. Love you mama. So lucky to read your words and perspective each week.

    Reply
  2. Aubrey @ 53 weeks says

    May 1, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    I love your honesty and I’m glad “love” chose you! I’m sure your story will speak to many who need to hear it and have been in your shoes…

    Reply
  3. Joanna Robbie says

    May 4, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    Wow, what a sweet post. I think a lot of people have to get to know their child and who they are before they actually begin to experience the love feelings. That was a beautiful read.

    Reply
  4. Beverly Powers says

    May 13, 2016 at 11:36 pm

    We are in China right now adopting twins whose medical issues are more severe than what we were told. I just read your post and am in the middle of this whirlwind of emotions and thought processes much like yours. Tears are flowing but I am hanging on. Thank you for helping me to know I am not alone.

    Reply
    • Jill says

      May 13, 2016 at 11:42 pm

      Nope. You are not along. Hang in there. Message me if you need a pep talk and keep breathing. You are in survival mode right now. You just have to survive China. Home will be different. Not perfect but different.

      Reply
  5. Jane Allen says

    May 28, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    This was so honest. I felt like dropping a tear. When we think we can’t make it in life, we often do, if we refuse to give up. Yours is a story of persistence and love (even though it wasn’t at first). It’s also proof to anyone reading that challenges will eventually bow, if we keep our heads up, even during tough situations.

    Reply
  6. Kish says

    April 30, 2017 at 4:51 am

    I’ve followed your blog/Facebook for years now and always wished my bond with my daughter was as strong as yours what amazing relief and insight to know it’s normal ! Thank you for this post I’m sure it was the hardest thing to admit! I too struggled to bond with my daughter mainly due to collapsed processes with the government agency when we got her, which lead to post adoption depression. It’s a slow process but each day our bond grows and grows. This article fills me with such assurance it won’t stop 🙂

    Reply
  7. Caitlin says

    December 14, 2018 at 8:47 pm

    I love your honesty in this story. I adopted two kids from foster care, and I’ve been there. I remember well the feeling of panic the first time I was alone with my daughter. She was a stranger then. It felt like babysitting some stranger’s unkempt child. I started calling people- anyone- to come over so I wouldn’t have to be alone with her. This is the first experience I’ve had where that feeling was validated. Thank you.

    Reply
  8. Elaine says

    March 28, 2019 at 8:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. Reading this right now helped me . I know in time things will get better.

    Reply
  9. Cassie @ Foster to Adopt says

    July 18, 2019 at 7:31 am

    What a wonderful way to open your heart to others that are stuggling with this same situation. Thank you for opening your heart and your home. We need more people like you!

    Reply
  10. Samantha S says

    July 29, 2019 at 10:10 pm

    Thank you for sharing this and your honest feelings. I’ve had similar feelings and the following guilt. It’s been a struggle. I hope one day I can share that struggle with pre-adoptive parents. I think many are scared to share, fearful of being judged. Thank you for your bravery!

    Reply

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All About Jill

Hey there and welcome! My name is Jill Robbins and this is my space on the internet. I’m happy you are here. Just so you know, if this weren’t the internet, I’d be smiling awkwardly and answering simple questions like “how are you today” with gems like “Me too!” and “Great, but I forgot to put on deodorant.” I’m that person.

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Jill Robbins
My kids and I spent a week on Florida's Emerald Co My kids and I spent a week on Florida's Emerald Coast in June. I've gotten a lot of ❓about traveling to Florida - and traveling in general during these pandemic times - so I'll try to answer a few and give some good information about Destin/Fort Walton Beach.
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It's easy to social distance on the gorgeous beaches. June/July is their busy season so you will see people but it's easy to maintain distance on the beach & in the water.
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All of the typical water activities - surfing, snorkeling, scuba - are still happening - and you can check each individual tour company's COVID-19 policy. We did a tour with Destin Snorkel that I highly recommend for beginner snorkelers or kids. It's easy to keep your space in the water but impossible to maintain the six-feet rule on the boat. You can wear a 😷 if you choose but masks were not required at the time of my visit and I didn't see very many people wearing them.
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My general pandemic travel tips:
1️⃣don't travel if you're sick or showing symptoms.  2️⃣road trips over flying.
3️⃣condo or vacation home over hotel.
4️⃣outdoor activities where you can maintain social distance.
5️⃣bring/make your own food or order takeout. If you eat out, look for open-air eateries, and places that are committed to reducing spread (i.e. single-use or QR code menus).
6️⃣if you're not comfortable, don't travel. This is a really personal decision & it's going to vary from family to family & location to location.
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Want to keep this info or learn more? Hit save on this post to refer to it later and check out the link to my full blog post on Destin/FWB in my profile. And, let me know if you have any questions about Destin or pandemic travel.
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