Am I ready for the PTA?


2015 could be my year to rule. I’m picturing myself on the campaign trail. I’m super good at kissing babies and making up bullshit, so I’m in there, right? I’m already writing my acceptance speech and picking out my outfit for the big day where I get to put my hand on the Bible and solemnly swear. I know…I have a lot of practice swearing, but solemnly, people. Solemnly.


picture of smoking girl with bottle of whiskey

Before we go any further, I gotta take care of some housekeeping and let you know there are affiliate links in this post. That means there are pretty pictures you can click on that will take you to Amazon.  If you buy what I’ve recommended, I make a crap-ton of money…or six cents on the dollar or something like that.

Okay, so back to being president. For those of you people who are all into reality and stuff, I do realize  2015 is not a presidential election year. My television viewing might be limited to Downton Abbey and whatever is on Disney Junior, but I do have a basic understanding of what’s going on in the world around me. I’m not talking about being president of the United States…puhleeze. I’ve got my sights set on a much more important position:

Head Bitch of the PTA.

I’m in it to win it like Yzerman. And you’d better be getting either a Red Wings or a Kid Rock reference, there, otherwise I can’t possibly have you on my campaign team, m’kay? So here’s Steve.  He plays hockey, yadda yadda.

[Tweet “It’s not a question of whether I am ready for the PTA…is the PTA ready for ME?]

Back to me.  My kids are starting Kindergarten in 2015. I believe in jumping off the deep end. No baby steps, no volunteering for alternate room mother. That’s for sissies. Ima gonna be HBCIC of the PTA and here are some things that will be cool at my school…if I’m elected, and stuff.

Just for fun…what do you think of these for my coronation?  Er…swearing in or whatever?  I probably watch too much Downton Abbey, eh?  I can’t really picture Lady Mary wearing these and droppin’ it low singing “all about the boots, ’bout the boots.”  Anyhoo…

K…back to the PTA.  Here are the rules under my reign:

1. Yoga pants are in. Leggings passed off as pants and exposed bra straps are out. Violators will be dealt with harshly.

(Chevrons are allowed provided you start referring to it as zigzag. Like, immediately. I’m paying attention, people. Your cell phone covers and your reusable grocery bags aren’t safe.  I’ll find you. It’s a zigzag, people. Say it with me.)

2. Wine will flow at the school carnival. Or the spring fling or fall frolic or whatever you call it. It. Will. Flow.

3. The phrases “what’s up, bitches” and “huzzah” will be acceptable and encouraged at PTA meetings and anywhere on school grounds reasonably out of the earshot of little ears. I have a pretty loose definition of “reasonably.”

[Tweet “phrases like “what’s up bitches” and “huzzah” will be acceptable at PTA meetings]

4. Room mothers will have to undergo a battery of psychological testing (a battery is a lot, people.) Power-hungry-I-need-to-be-in-charge-of-shit-outside-of-hamburger-versus-tuna-helper bitches will be weeded out. Unless they’re down with the whole zigzag thing and ply me with really good wine. Then…well, still probably no.

6 ways I will make the PTA more interesting|Back to school|PTA|Mom groups|funny|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals|

5. This book will be required reading.  Click on the picture (do it, do it) so I can earn enough to upgrade to the Venti on my next trip to you-know-where.  Seriously, this book is amazeballs. I think I raised my fist and shouted “whoo hoo” at least once per chapter and people…and I’m not really a “whoo hoo” girl. It’s really a great book to read when you’re doing colonoscopy prep if that applies to you…just throwing that out there.

But seriously – I want to be this woman’s PTA bitch. Reading this made me realize that women like me can successfully navigate the waters of the PTA (if appropriately fortified and stuff.) It’s a great read but maybe not if you take yourself super seriously and have a stick up your wazoo.

6. If elected, we’re going to have to come to some sort of agreement on school fundraising. A begging moratorium if you will. I started getting tree-killing “your school needs your help” literature in my kids’ backpacks less than a week after they started pre-K. Pre-K, people. I live in a good school district, but apparently my tax dollars don’t go toward funding the appropriate class gift for the teacher’s cousin’s mechanic’s birthday.

Ready or not, PTA…here I come.  Huzzah, bitches!  Oh, and vote for me!

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  1. You had me at wine at the school carnival. Wait, no you had me way before that because I f@cking love this. (not opposed to swearing but don’t want this to end in spam)
    If I had legs like that I’d totally rock those boots by the way. Also? I was on PTA last year and am room mom this year for kindergarten and the paperwork? OMFG. For real. Really I just joined so I could spy on my kid. You’re gonna totally OWN it though and I will so so so vote for you. Love love love this. Pinning and tweeting and all the good stuff. THANK YOU for linking this awesomeness to FTSF!! Hoozah!

  2. You sold me on #2. I’d have said #1 but I cannot determine if all of my stretchy pants are considered ‘leggings’ or ‘yoga’ pants because I do not participate in any yoga of any kind. However, I rarely wear a bra so I could have passed on the bra strap requirement… Oh, and you killed me on #6. ‘Teacher’s cousin’s mechanic’s birthday…’ buahahahaha!!!

  3. Like it? I LOVE THIS POSST!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single word is true. I have experienced the PTA. And I number four – hell yes. Brilliant!

  4. ok, I don’t know where the whole ‘chevron’ thing started, but it needs to go AWAY. Both the pattern and the name. ‘Chevron’ is a gas station somewhere, I’m pretty sure, b/c when I’ve seen the name, that’s what comes to mind, so therefore, if it’s in my head, it’s true.

    And the pattern makes me want to spork my eyes out before the migraine hits. Blech.

    1. HA! Yes, it is a gas station! I really am not bugged by the actual pattern as much as I am with the way people oooh and ahhh over it. But I love that you said spork. I’m not sure why. You are definitely on my campaign team, girl.

  5. People I want to punch in the throat. I want you to know I spit out my coffee… God I love you… I think we were separated at birth.

  6. As a veteran PAC chair (Canadian speak for PTA) I cast my vote for you 100%. Love this. Absolutely brilliant. No. 2? My absolute fave. Now if you’ll allow me a weensy bit of advice. Drink before any dealings with the school principal. I found myself on my hands and knees (stay with me) as he rifled through his filing cabinet to avoid looking at me. Yes. That position allowed me to look up at him as I sweetly murmered ” You need to answer this question. Helllloooooooo!” Forced him to look at me. My fellow co-chair was startled at first but then she too got down on the floor and looked up at him. We got him to come on board with our proposal. Other than that – it was a grand job. May you be blessed with a marvelous principal. And good wine.

  7. I wish I had you on my PTA… I always get the side eye from all the moms after I tell them I work. Then they refuse to speak to me. But there is always coffee there, so it makes it all worth it! 😉

  8. Ah, the PTA. Good times. There actually can be a lot of humor at PTA meetings, if you know where to look for it. Then again, I’m the one who is happy to find a room full of poop ’cause I just know there is a pony in there somewhere….

    Best of luck on your HBCIC campaign!

  9. Loved this post….except for the picture of Steve. Seriously? That’s just the thing to make the blood boil of any and every Blackhawks fan. So sad we aren’t in the same conference anymore…I guess we will just have to destroy the Wings on our way to another Stanley Cup, I guess!

  10. I’m not sure I would be allowed on the PTA, but I was an underachieving room parent. I’ve just resolved to stop going to the kids’ school looking like a scumbag, so your yoga pant law might cause me to relapse. Overall, I think your warped and wily ways would prove and excellent addition to any PTA- I wish you luck, sister.

  11. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this awesome blog post with us on #PureBlogLove Link Party! I can’t wait to see what you bring to the party next. I adore this blog and super excited.

    Join us this Thursday 8pm est- Monday 10 am est to celebrate!

  12. I just saw Bad Moms last week, and anytime PTA has been mentioned since, I picture THAT type of PTA. It’s semi-hilarious and mostly terrifying.

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