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Am I ready for the PTA?

January 9, 2015 by Jill 25 Comments

2015 could be my year to rule. I’m picturing myself on the campaign trail. I’m super good at kissing babies and making up bullshit, so I’m in there, right? I’m already writing my acceptance speech and picking out my outfit for the big day where I get to put my hand on the Bible and solemnly swear. I know…I have a lot of practice swearing, but solemnly, people. Solemnly.

 

picture of smoking girl with bottle of whiskey

Before we go any further, I gotta take care of some housekeeping and let you know there are affiliate links in this post. That means there are pretty pictures you can click on that will take you to Amazon.  If you buy what I’ve recommended, I make a crap-ton of money…or six cents on the dollar or something like that.

Okay, so back to being president. For those of you people who are all into reality and stuff, I do realize  2015 is not a presidential election year. My television viewing might be limited to Downton Abbey and whatever is on Disney Junior, but I do have a basic understanding of what’s going on in the world around me. I’m not talking about being president of the United States…puhleeze. I’ve got my sights set on a much more important position:

Head Bitch of the PTA.

I’m in it to win it like Yzerman. And you’d better be getting either a Red Wings or a Kid Rock reference, there, otherwise I can’t possibly have you on my campaign team, m’kay? So here’s Steve.  He plays hockey, yadda yadda.

[Tweet “It’s not a question of whether I am ready for the PTA…is the PTA ready for ME?]

Back to me.  My kids are starting Kindergarten in 2015. I believe in jumping off the deep end. No baby steps, no volunteering for alternate room mother. That’s for sissies. Ima gonna be HBCIC of the PTA and here are some things that will be cool at my school…if I’m elected, and stuff.

Just for fun…what do you think of these for my coronation?  Er…swearing in or whatever?  I probably watch too much Downton Abbey, eh?  I can’t really picture Lady Mary wearing these and droppin’ it low singing “all about the boots, ’bout the boots.”  Anyhoo…

K…back to the PTA.  Here are the rules under my reign:

1. Yoga pants are in. Leggings passed off as pants and exposed bra straps are out. Violators will be dealt with harshly.

(Chevrons are allowed provided you start referring to it as zigzag. Like, immediately. I’m paying attention, people. Your cell phone covers and your reusable grocery bags aren’t safe.  I’ll find you. It’s a zigzag, people. Say it with me.)

The chevron will be hereinafter referred to as zigzag. Say it with me.

Click To Tweet

2. Wine will flow at the school carnival. Or the spring fling or fall frolic or whatever you call it. It. Will. Flow.

3. The phrases “what’s up, bitches” and “huzzah” will be acceptable and encouraged at PTA meetings and anywhere on school grounds reasonably out of the earshot of little ears. I have a pretty loose definition of “reasonably.”

[Tweet “phrases like “what’s up bitches” and “huzzah” will be acceptable at PTA meetings]

4. Room mothers will have to undergo a battery of psychological testing (a battery is a lot, people.) Power-hungry-I-need-to-be-in-charge-of-shit-outside-of-hamburger-versus-tuna-helper bitches will be weeded out. Unless they’re down with the whole zigzag thing and ply me with really good wine. Then…well, still probably no.

6 ways I will make the PTA more interesting|Back to school|PTA|Mom groups|funny|Ripped Jeans and Bifocals|

5. This book will be required reading.  Click on the picture (do it, do it) so I can earn enough to upgrade to the Venti on my next trip to you-know-where.  Seriously, this book is amazeballs. I think I raised my fist and shouted “whoo hoo” at least once per chapter and people…and I’m not really a “whoo hoo” girl. It’s really a great book to read when you’re doing colonoscopy prep if that applies to you…just throwing that out there.

But seriously – I want to be this woman’s PTA bitch. Reading this made me realize that women like me can successfully navigate the waters of the PTA (if appropriately fortified and stuff.) It’s a great read but maybe not if you take yourself super seriously and have a stick up your wazoo.

6. If elected, we’re going to have to come to some sort of agreement on school fundraising. A begging moratorium if you will. I started getting tree-killing “your school needs your help” literature in my kids’ backpacks less than a week after they started pre-K. Pre-K, people. I live in a good school district, but apparently my tax dollars don’t go toward funding the appropriate class gift for the teacher’s cousin’s mechanic’s birthday.

Ready or not, PTA…here I come.  Huzzah, bitches!  Oh, and vote for me!

If you’ve enjoyed reading this post, please follow my Facebook page and check out my Back-to-School Pinterest board for more ideas! Thank you for reading!

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25 Comments

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Comments

  1. Kristi Campbell says

    January 9, 2015 at 4:37 am

    You had me at wine at the school carnival. Wait, no you had me way before that because I f@cking love this. (not opposed to swearing but don’t want this to end in spam)
    If I had legs like that I’d totally rock those boots by the way. Also? I was on PTA last year and am room mom this year for kindergarten and the paperwork? OMFG. For real. Really I just joined so I could spy on my kid. You’re gonna totally OWN it though and I will so so so vote for you. Love love love this. Pinning and tweeting and all the good stuff. THANK YOU for linking this awesomeness to FTSF!! Hoozah!

    Reply
  2. Ashley says

    January 9, 2015 at 6:39 am

    You sold me on #2. I’d have said #1 but I cannot determine if all of my stretchy pants are considered ‘leggings’ or ‘yoga’ pants because I do not participate in any yoga of any kind. However, I rarely wear a bra so I could have passed on the bra strap requirement… Oh, and you killed me on #6. ‘Teacher’s cousin’s mechanic’s birthday…’ buahahahaha!!!

    Reply
  3. Bev says

    January 9, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    I’d vote for you in a heartbeat, Jill. Let the wine flow from zigzag-covered bags!

    Reply
  4. Allie says

    January 9, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    Like it? I LOVE THIS POSST!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single word is true. I have experienced the PTA. And I number four – hell yes. Brilliant!

    Reply
  5. Brandi Dunagan says

    January 9, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    THIS. love it. Make the shirts. “Head Bitch of the PTA”

    Reply
  6. The Imp says

    January 9, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    ok, I don’t know where the whole ‘chevron’ thing started, but it needs to go AWAY. Both the pattern and the name. ‘Chevron’ is a gas station somewhere, I’m pretty sure, b/c when I’ve seen the name, that’s what comes to mind, so therefore, if it’s in my head, it’s true.

    And the pattern makes me want to spork my eyes out before the migraine hits. Blech.

    Reply
    • Jill says

      January 9, 2015 at 4:05 pm

      HA! Yes, it is a gas station! I really am not bugged by the actual pattern as much as I am with the way people oooh and ahhh over it. But I love that you said spork. I’m not sure why. You are definitely on my campaign team, girl.

      Reply
  7. Tina says

    January 9, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    People I want to punch in the throat. I want you to know I spit out my coffee… God I love you… I think we were separated at birth.

    Reply
  8. Kimba says

    January 9, 2015 at 5:11 pm

    Big, big fan of Jen Mann. I’m sure she would agree to be your campaign manager.

    Reply
  9. Echo says

    January 9, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    Hahahahahaha, I love this post more that I can submit in writing!

    Reply
  10. Kelly L McKenzie says

    January 9, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    As a veteran PAC chair (Canadian speak for PTA) I cast my vote for you 100%. Love this. Absolutely brilliant. No. 2? My absolute fave. Now if you’ll allow me a weensy bit of advice. Drink before any dealings with the school principal. I found myself on my hands and knees (stay with me) as he rifled through his filing cabinet to avoid looking at me. Yes. That position allowed me to look up at him as I sweetly murmered ” You need to answer this question. Helllloooooooo!” Forced him to look at me. My fellow co-chair was startled at first but then she too got down on the floor and looked up at him. We got him to come on board with our proposal. Other than that – it was a grand job. May you be blessed with a marvelous principal. And good wine.

    Reply
  11. WorkingMomMagic says

    January 9, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    I wish I had you on my PTA… I always get the side eye from all the moms after I tell them I work. Then they refuse to speak to me. But there is always coffee there, so it makes it all worth it! 😉

    Reply
  12. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says

    January 9, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Now that’s one PTA board I would actually volunteer for!!! 🙂

    Reply
  13. Anna Fitfunner says

    January 10, 2015 at 3:29 am

    Ah, the PTA. Good times. There actually can be a lot of humor at PTA meetings, if you know where to look for it. Then again, I’m the one who is happy to find a room full of poop ’cause I just know there is a pony in there somewhere….

    Best of luck on your HBCIC campaign!

    Reply
  14. Carin Kilby Clark says

    January 10, 2015 at 5:18 am

    I love everything about this post! And that’s a PTA I’d actually like to join! Haha ^5

    Reply
  15. Amanda @ Queenofthelandoftwigsnberries says

    January 10, 2015 at 5:21 am

    Loved this post….except for the picture of Steve. Seriously? That’s just the thing to make the blood boil of any and every Blackhawks fan. So sad we aren’t in the same conference anymore…I guess we will just have to destroy the Wings on our way to another Stanley Cup, I guess!

    Reply
  16. Ruchira Khanna says

    January 10, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    girl…you rock and loved your points.
    I would vote for ya 🙂

    Reply
  17. Jill Pond says

    January 11, 2015 at 3:32 pm

    I’m not sure I would be allowed on the PTA, but I was an underachieving room parent. I’ve just resolved to stop going to the kids’ school looking like a scumbag, so your yoga pant law might cause me to relapse. Overall, I think your warped and wily ways would prove and excellent addition to any PTA- I wish you luck, sister.

    Reply
  18. Marcia @ Menopausal Mother says

    January 13, 2015 at 4:08 am

    Oh gawd, I served on a PTA board for too many years of my life….years I will never get back. Huzzah to No#2 and #3! I’d vote for you in a heartbeat!

    Reply
  19. Jen says

    January 30, 2015 at 4:27 am

    Hilarious! I’m not a parent, but as a teacher, I would totally vote for you!

    Reply
  20. Tanya @ Mom's Small Victories says

    February 3, 2015 at 10:35 am

    Hilarious! I ‘d vote for you! I have the Jen Mann book to read too. I gotta get on it! Thanks for bringing humor to our Small Victories Sunday linkup. Pinned to our linkup board.

    Reply
  21. Heidy L. McCallum says

    February 3, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    Thank you so much for taking the time to share this awesome blog post with us on #PureBlogLove Link Party! I can’t wait to see what you bring to the party next. I adore this blog and super excited.

    Join us this Thursday 8pm est- Monday 10 am est to celebrate!
    Besos
    Heidy

    Reply
  22. Tessa says

    August 14, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    I just saw Bad Moms last week, and anytime PTA has been mentioned since, I picture THAT type of PTA. It’s semi-hilarious and mostly terrifying.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Things They Can’t Say says:
    August 28, 2015 at 6:01 am

    […] While I volunteer at my boys’ school, I don’t get too involved with the PTO. Read this about Am I Ready for the PTA? […]

    Reply
  2. 10 things that freak me out • Ripped Jeans & Bifocals says:
    September 14, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    […] contain the terms fundraiser, box tops or carpool lane monitor elevate my blood pressure. I wrote THIS POST last year about taking over the PTA. My kids just started kindergarten and I’ll be the first to […]

    Reply

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All About Jill

I'm a digital content creator and essayist who copes with parenting and most other situations with humor and snark. Just so you know, if this weren't the internet, I'd be smiling awkwardly and answering simple questions like "How are you today" with gems like "I like pockets."

I really do love pockets, though.

I spent 26 years in the USAF, which went by really, really fast. I'm very proud of my service but I'm loving my second act even more. Writing gives me the opportunity to flex my creative muscles and that's what makes me happy. Welcome.

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Jill Robbins
Happy Wednesday. 📷 taken at Wasserman Wranch n Happy Wednesday.

📷 taken at Wasserman Wranch near Alpine. Check my bio link for more information. 

#texastravel #westtexas #texastodo #welovetexas #texaskids #donkeysofinstagram #westtx #texastravel #onlyintexas #alpinetexas #alpinetx #igtexas #igtexasphoto #alamocreatives #heymama_love #texasblogger #satxbloggers #texasthingstodo #miniaturedonkey #miniaturedonkeysofinstagram
"Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of tru "Intelligence + Character. That is the goal of true education." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I saw a lot of posts about Martin Luther King yesterday when I was doing my scrolls through social media...on a day where I wasn't supposed to be ON social media, ahem. We hear and see a lot of Dr. King's words and quotes one day a year. So, instead of apologizing for posting this "a day late" I'll share that I'm challenging myself to remember some of these important words more than one day a year.

Our kids are watching us right now. I mean...they're always watching us but I think what they see in these times is more important than ever. Nuturing our kids' intelligence and character is more important than ever. My kids are 10 now - this picture is about four years old - and they are absorbing EVERYTHING we say, how we say it and even what we don't say. 

This mural is near the suspension bridge in downtown Waco. Waco is famous for all the Magnolia things but there's a lot there for families, too, and the park around the bridge is a great place to explore along the Brazos River. 

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Here’s something you’ve probably never seen be Here’s something you’ve probably never seen before: my bottom teeth.
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I always hide my crooked bottom teeth in pictures and I’m super self-conscious when I talk. So I did something about it.
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I wore braces as a kid and my top teeth are straight but my bottom teeth are shifting and one tooth is traveling into the back of my mouth and I have some crowding. My orthodontist said it’s very unusual to put braces on just half your mouth but my bite is still aligned so they didn’t have to put them on my top teeth - my wallet is thankful.
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Questions I’ve already been asked:
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1️⃣ At your age? Yes, at my age. I still care about my smile. 
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3️⃣ How long do you have to wear them?
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6-9 months.
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3️⃣ Do they hurt? 
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My teeth are sore and my mouth is tender but not to the Tylenol level so I guess the answer is “Not too much.”
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Other questions? Advice?
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Little things can really be big - do you agree? M Little things can really be big - do you agree?

My husband gets up with our kids twice a week and does their breakfast and morning routine and takes them to school so I can sleep in. I don't laze away the morning in bed - it usually amounts to about an extra hour of sleep for me and a little more peace and quiet as I start my day. 

This probably seems like a little thing but this is huge for me. The mental benefits of not having to set my alarm on a schoolday is truly my love language. I would rather have sleep than flowers or presents. 

On those morning where my husband takes my kids to school, I will inevitably find the kitchen not "just so." There will be spills on the table or something that didn't get put away. I resist the urge to be sarcastic or to ask "Um, is there a reason we have four boxes of cereal just sitting on the counter?" or point out that it would take less than 30 seconds to wipe a tabletop or put a box back on the shelf. I resist saying stuff like "I guess if I want it done a certain way, I have to do it myself." I don't even say that to myself. 

My husband isn't "doing me a favor" by taking care of our kids. When I talked about being stressed and tired during an argument last year, he offered to take some things off my plate and giving me two mornings where I don't have to set an alarm was one of his ideas. It's part of the give and take of marriage and even though it makes me clench a little when I see spilled milk or stuff that hasn't put away, I appreciate having a partner who shares the load with me. 

My marriage definitely is not perfect and I'm in no position to give relationship advice. But for us, this one little thing is a really big deal. 

And, as I've recently discovered, a cereal box can sit on the counter for several days and the world doesn't explode. Who knew.

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2020 started out so fine. We extended our kids’ winter break to take them on a Disney Cruise- no better reason than that, amiright- and I was excited about all the Disney Cruise blog posts I was going to write. Disney Cruises are (errr...were?) one of the most searched terms on my website and how a lot of people found me.
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