10 bits of unsolicited advice from a self-proclaimed know-it-all
I am a big fan of giving unsolicited advice. Others may not be big fans of it, but thatโs okay. I have strong opinions and Iโm often compelled to share them, even when people wish I wouldnโt. Youโre probably rolling your eyes at me, thinking Iโm one of those โthinks she knows all the thingsโ women. Not quite all the thingsโฆbut close. Kidding. Maybe.
My preface to unsolicited advice has always been โwell, since you askedโ (thatโs sarcasm, just in case Iโm confusing anyone) and then I fling my pearls of wisdom. But in all seriousness, my unsolicited advice is usually well-timed and semi-tactful. I donโt walk up to strange women say stuff like โhoney, maybe no one has told you, but green eye shadow is not for you.โ But, if I could, here are a few nuggets of advice I might throw out there:
1. Adults only
Yes, your five year-old is adorable. Not as adorable as you think she is but still pretty cute. Her cuteness melts away when you bring her to any movie rated above G and to any restaurant without a ball pit. Iโm sure your little angel is verrrry mature for her age but donโt bring her to places where adults go to do adult stuff, k? Get a sitter or adjust your plans.
2. Leggings arenโt pants
Say it with me: Leggings. Arenโt. Pants. Unless youโre a size two or twelve years-old, pair those leggings with a top that covers your ass, thankyouverymuch.
3. Speaking of pants, wear some once in awhile
Real pants, with pockets and zippers. Donโt talk about how you havenโt changed out of your jammies all day like itโs a good thing. Donโt try to one-up your mom friends about who has gone the longest without showering. Motherhood is hard, no doubt, but take five minutes for yourself and look presentable now and then. We all have our days where we look ratty but donโt wear that as a badge of honor.ย ย
Note:ย between the time I started this post and the time I hit “publish” the internets exploded over Eva Mendes' declaration that sweatpants will land you in divorce court.ย Obviously a load of hooey, but item number three on my list was not inspired by Eva and I don't hate stretchy pants.ย
Related:ย Smashley Ashley's letter to Eva Mendes on her position on sweats.
4. Run your own race
Be selective when deciding if you need to worry about keeping up with the Joneses (or the Kardashians.) Donโt compare your kidโs ride on the potty train to anyone elseโs. Some things in life arenโt meant to be competitive sports so unless youโre training for the Olympics or something, chillax and keep your eyes on your own paper.
5. Know your audience
Do you like to brag about what a genius your kid is? Good for you! Any second grader whoโs moved past eating paste is surely headed for MIT.
Wanna complain about your thunder thighs or lament that your muffin top is exploding over the waistband of your size eight jeans? Wow, piggy. I canโt believe youโre out in public.
Seriously, think about who youโre talking to. Boasting about your smarty pants kid might not go down so well if youโre talking to someone whose child struggles in school. And talking about how fat you probably arenโt? How does that resonate with someone who has an eating disorder or someone who actually is obese? Think about it.
[Tweet “Don't brag, moms. Any 2nd grader who's moved past eating paste is surely headed for MIT”]
6. If heโs into you, heโll call you.
Itโs 2015 โ sure, thereโs nothing wrong with a woman being first to pick up the phone but Iโve heard tons of crazy excuses about why a guy hasnโt called, introduced you to his friends, or changed his Facebook status to โin a relationship.โ
If he wants to talk to you, heโll call. Most people have smart phones fused to their palms these days. Unless the object of your affection is studying penguin mating behavior in Antarctica, heโs capable of punching digits. If heโs not motivated to communicate, that only means one thing: he doesnโt want to talk to you. This is a no-brainer.
7. Donโt blow off your friends for the opposite sex.
Maybe your bestie will understand if you occasionally bail on that coffee date because you got a better offer, but tread carefully. Trust me on this. A girlfriend who holds your hair while you puke or tells you plaid isnโt your color is worth her weight in Oreos.
[Tweet “A girlfriend who holds your hair while you puke is worth her weight in Oreos”]
8. Just because it pops in to your head doesnโt mean itโs Facebook-worthy.
Please for the love of all that is holy, save your drama for your mama. Sure, thereโs no law against posting about your latest Brazilian gone awry or that your man wonโt put the toilet seat down after he takes a whiz. The point of social media is to be social, but if you donโt say everything you think out loud, why do you want to memorialize it on the Internet? And if you say everything you think, wellโฆyou probably want to stop doing that, too. Filters, people.
9. Let that mean email marinate.
This also applies to texts, tweets or passive-aggressive Facebook statuses. Sending something into cyberspace when youโre upset is never a good idea. Whatever you have to say can wait until your head clears.
10. Ask yourself โwill this matter in five years?โ
This is the best unsolicited advice Iโve ever received and its no-kidding the unsolicited advice I most often give. This is something my grandfather used to say and itโs always what I say to myself when I have an important decision to make or when I find myself freaking out about something. I still freak out unnecessarily, but asking myself this question puts things in to better perspective.
Take my advice with a grain of salt. I can think of several instances where Iโve not followed my own advice, and ya knowโฆsometimes you just have to go with your gut.ย ย Things usually turn out okay.
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Got to admit that you just made me happy that I wasn’t dating anymore and dealing with worrying about return calls/texts on smartphones. Just saying ๐
Oh yes, agreed with so much of this! I hear you on #3. (Regardless of a certain celebrity’s inane comment.) And DEFINITELY on #9. #10 is definitely wonderful advice and something I need to ask myself more often.
Ohhhh, #8. ๐ Yes.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I’m with you on #2. Amen! My daughter is 10, and I’ve already banned her form wearing them as pants, unless for dance class. All good advice, but 10 is very sage, indeed.
I love the ‘will this matter in five years’ question….and stretchy pants. ๐ xo
Awesome! Love #1. When we manage to escape our Minions for an evening, having someone else’s kidlet bopping around is aggravating. I mean, a movie with explosions, blood and death really isn’t preschool material.
Love it all. Advice is all I have these days. Yours is perfect.
Just to weigh in . . . From one who has been fighting for two years now: we can talk until we are blue in the face. What they think are pants they will wear as pants. Heaven help us all.
Some really great advice! But I’m not great at actually following great advice, so probably back to Facebooking every thought while wearing stretchy pants. ๐
YES, YES, YES! I could have written every one of these because you and I share the title of self proclaimed know it all! Great job!
Afreakinmen to #3. Someone gave me the best totally unsolicited advice when my son was about 3 weeks old and I was tearing my hair out wondering how I’d ever shower again. She said, “Listen to me very closely: your baby can cry for 5 minutes while you take a shower. He will be FINE.” Ever since then, I’ve gotten up early to try to catch a shower before he wakes up and, if he happens to wake up while I’m doing my thing, so be it. He’s fine playing in his crib for 10 minutes while I make myself presentable because I deserve to feel human too. Great advice–keep on dispensing it lady.
#10 is gold. Your grandfather was a wise man. As for #3, I consider it one of the perks of working at home to wear my nightgown half the day. At least I don’t go to the grocery store in pajamas, which now seems to be socially acceptable.
Great list. #10 For. Sure. I over think everything!
So much wisdom in one post! I too am thankful that I’m past the “waiting for him to call” phase. ๐
I’m sitting here with greasy hair, and in the same outfit I wore Sunday… besides my PJ pants that I switched into for obvious reasons. I haven’t showered since Sunday either- again, obviously. OH wait. Nevermind. I wasn’t supposed to share that, was I? Oops. Well, I won’t go on about my kids and their amazing ability to not eat paste then either. Or tell you all about my mama drama. That’s different than the drama I need to save for my mama, right?
Just so you know- I AM planning on showering in a bit, and I will I will indeed put on REAL (yoga) pants for YOU.
You’re so funny.
LOVE these.
You make me laugh, Chris. Now go put some pants on, mkay?
Yes, yes, HOLY SHIT YES! Especially the part about moms (or women in general) one upping each other on who has gone the longest without a shower. We all do it sometimes and that’s okay. But bragging about going a week without a shower? Eww. No one needs to know that.
And the complaining about being fat when a size 8 while a heavyset person is around? Not. Cool. I am, currently, a size 28 and NOT happy about it. It pisses me off to no end when people complain about being fat when they’re clearly not. When your jean size is in the double digit and you have to shop at Lane Bryant, then complain. Until then, shaddap.
Definitely! Number 2 & 8!
Oh, this is all such good advice. I’m totally with you on #2 and #8! Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and I’m not being sarcastic.
Love this! I don’t agree with all of it but I think it’s all valid.
I agree with everything on your list!!! ๐
You are so so so funny! Awesome! Soon as I’m done laughing, I realize that I need to ship some college friends some Oreos ๐